SWEET MISERY
by Jessieness
Summary: Realization came flooding over me, like a sudden shower on a warm summer's day. And there you had it; Game Over.
1. Starting New

**Chapter** one: **Starting New **

I walked into the main office, giving a small smile to the secretary. She smiled right back, as was quickly becoming our own little tradition, revealing perfectly white, and perfectly straight teeth that I secretly envied with every fiber of my being.

"Good morning, Suze," she said, her curly brown locks shining under the ceiling lights, "I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Hey Brenda," I grinned sheepishly, "I guess I've been keeping out of trouble."

She nodded knowingly—not that she knew why I came here so often anyway—or, at least she thought she did. "Father Dominic will see you in a moment," she said, pointing towards the door of his private office.

I took this time to look around for a moment, taking in my surroundings. The office had dramatically changed over the break; the Christmas wreaths, along with the nativity scene, now replaced with New Year's decorations; welcoming the year 2004.

But that only served to depress me. Because when you look at it that way, I haven't seen Jesse since last year.

Which would be the sad, sad truth. A month, actually, since the fifth of December. Not that I'm counting, or anything, but yeah, about 32 days. He didn't even come to see me on New Year's or Christmas Eve. Not even on my birthday! Though I'm not very sure he knows when it is.

But still, it would've been nice to see him on Christmas, I mean, I'm positive he knew when that was, he's not that out-of-date.

Plus he's religious, you know? Along with kind, dashingly handsome and fully equipped with a set of washboard abs.

But its funny, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. His disappearing act, I mean, not his abs. Because of course, he always does this.

Kisses me, and then disappears. Evaporates, it seems, into pure mist.

Hoping I'll forget. Maybe forgetting about it himself, (God knows I'm probably not the best kisser), which, I guess would be an ingenious idea if not for one thing:

I never forget Jesse's kisses.

So it doesn't make for a good situation. At least not on my part.

And for the past few months, he's been acting more distant than usual; he only shows up once a month—usually to pick up cat food for Spike, who moved into the rectory with him—and he hasn't spoken more than a few words to me since that night in the graveyard.

After that fateful day, he moved into the rectory, and hardly ever materialized in my room anymore. The very few conversations I've had with him were all too brief, and extremely awkward. He never revealed what he was thinking, never said too much. It was like Jesse was keeping himself in check, from doing what, I'll guess I'll never know.

But sometimes, more often than I can count, I can't help but wonder, what's going on. Was he simply busy, or did he decide he didn't like me anymore?

As I stood there next to the office door, watching Brenda twirl the telephone cord as she talked to animatedly into the speaker, a stray thought crossed my mind. Something, that incidentally, I'd been avoiding for the past three months. Or maybe he never did… and like always, I shuddered, and pushed it away. Locked it up, threw it into a tiny box at the back of my head...never to be opened again. That wasn't it. That couldn't be it.

I was in denial, and I knew it. I encouraged it. It kept me sane.

Or it did. But not anymore.

Not anymore, because I had decided, as part of my New Year's resolutions—along with getting an 'A' in math—that I wasn't going to let Jesse get to me. I wasn't going to mope. Anymore. I mean; if he didn't like me, well, then that was just fine. More than fine, actually. Perfect, because, despite ample evidence to the contrary, I don't need Jesse.

Anymore.

The door opened, revealing a man with graying hair, and clear blue eyes. Actually, even at age sixty, Father Dom looked pretty good. Kind of like Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Susannah," he said, "please come in."

I walked in after him, and looked around. It was the same as I remembered it, simple, yet elegant. I sat down in the chair across from his, slumping down low and fiddling with a yo-yo I fished out of the top drawer, I said, "So, what's up?"

He looked kind of surprised I had asked. "Well," he said, "nothing is 'up,' I had just wanted to see how you were doing. After all Susannah, I haven't seen you for two weeks." He smiled at me, "How are you? And how is Jesse?"

The mention of his name, which used to cause something inside me to wilt, instead brought upon a very queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Obviously, I didn't know how Jesse was; I hadn't seen him for a month. "Umm. I'm fine, but I haven't heard from Jesse in awhile."

Father D's eyes, which are a startlingly light blue, widened the tiniest bit. "Oh," he said, his eyebrows raised, "I thought he would come to visit you a lot, considering that you two are officially 'together.' " He said this rather uneasily, and I could tell he wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of me and Jesse yet.

Well, to be frank, he wasn't comfortable at all, seeing as how I have been receiving constant reminders of how stupid I am being, which, let me tell you, isn't too great for your relationship or your self-esteem.

Not that I have a relationship or anything, unless you can count pining over him. No wait, I think that's called 'unrequited love.'

But I'm not, remember? Pining over him, I mean. Because I don't need Jesse. Anymore.

I looked down, and the good father must've sensed the disappointment in my face, because he dropped the subject with a quick, "Oh, well I'm sure he's been rather busy at the rectory," and continued on. Which, wasn't all that convincing since, Jesse didn't have anything to do but read. There isn't much for you to do when you're dead.

"Actually Susannah," he said rather sheepishly, "I did call you here with a request."

I was surprised, "Oh?" I said, the father hardly ever asked any favors from me.

"Yes, there will be a new student coming in tomorrow," he said looking down at his paperwork, his brows furrowed in concentration, "a mister 'Jeremy Curtis,' he moved here from New York. You two should have a lot in common. I was wondering if you could show him around. He has all your assigned classes."

"Oh, umm… yeah, sure." Then a thought came to me, and I said, somewhat suspiciously, "Can't Kelly do it?"

"Well, normally yes, since she is the President," he said looking up from his files, "but, in case you don't remember, miss Prescott isn't back from a winter vacation to the Bahamas yet."

Whoops, I forgot. And she'd been talking about it nonstop before break. "Oh, yeah. Well, ok then. I'll meet him tomorrow?" I stood up from the seat, "Now, I should be going, it's almost second period."

Father Dom nodded, "Yes, yes, see you tomorrow, and don't be late." Then he added, just as I was walking out the door, "Oh, and say hello to Jesse for me then."

I sighed. "Yeah, yeah." If I even see him.

…

I stepped out of Father D's office, grabbed a pass from Brenda, and rushed out the door. Where I bumped into someone as they passed through the hallway.

I felt a strong grip on my shoulders. "Querida, are you alright?"

My heart skipped a beat.

_ Jesse._


	2. There and Back Again

Here's chapter two.

Because I don't like waiting either.

Disclaimer: 73 days. You can't sue me _now._

* * *

**Chapter** two: **There and Back Again**

It was as if all she could do was look at me. Her startling emerald eyes were widened in shock; her mouth sort of hung open. I saw her open and close it repeatedly as if she was trying to say something, but the words could not escape her mouth. We stood there for a while, staring at each other, rather awkwardly, until finally when it became truly evident that she was incapable of saying anything, and I opened my mouth to speak.

-----------

I don't know how I stood there with my mouth hanging open, the words caught up in my throat. What was he doing here? How was I supposed to react to his sudden appearance in the hallway? And most importantly, why had he left?

Was I supposed to be happy, now that he had chosen to deign me with his presence? To run into his arms and kiss him? To fall down upon his feet? A rush of feelings came over me; love, anger, hate. I didn't know what to feel, I didn't know what to do. So I settled for freezing on the spot, until finally Jesse said, "Hello Susannah."

I swallowed; my throat was closing up. There were probably a million things I could have said in a situation such as this, quotes from famous plays, Shakespeare, even that weird thing I saw Juliet say in the balcony scene, but the one thing I didn't plan on saying was, "Ummm...hi."

That was it. After all the millions of times I had enacted this moment in my head, in my dreams, my tiny little brain couldn't think of anything other than, 'hi.'

I loathe myself.

He laughed; a laugh that sent pleasant shivers down my spine, and pulled me close to him. I swallowed. His chest was very hard against my cheek. Lord, help me, I think I'm gonna faint. "I've missed you, _querida."_

That did it. The way he said it caused my blood to boil. I pulled away. All of a sudden I was furious. I swear to god, I was seeing red. He missed _me_? Did he have any idea how much _I_ missed him?

Jesse just looked at me, and said, way too surprised than the situation warranted, "What's the matter?"

I am very ashamed to say that I went a little hysterical after that.

"What's the matter?" I shouted, "What's the _matter_?" Little? How 'bout a _lot_. "Jesse, I haven't seen you in like a month! Where the heck were you?"

His eyebrows rose. "I was staying at the rectory," he said, as if stating the obvious.

I glared at him. "You could've came to visit you know, my room isn't exactly off-limits just because you moved out."

He looked at me guiltily. "Well... yes... but---"

I cut him off. "But what? So you don't wanna see me anymore?" Well, that was nice. I glared up at him, expecting an answer, watching the color flood into his face. He looked very uneasy.

All of a sudden my vision began to blur, and I felt something wet in my eyes. And just like that, I was bawling.

Because even as I was standing there in the hallway, my eyes filling with tears, I still could make out those strong shoulders, and the vee where his billowy white shirt fell open, revealing dark, olive toned skin, some chest hair, and of course, his magnificent rock-hard abs. And all I had to do was take one look at those abs and realize that all that stuff I had decided, all of my New Year's resolutions—except for maybe the math one---were a total load of bull. I need Jesse. More than anything.

But it was apparent that he didn't need me.

I was just about to wipe my tears when he pulled me into another one of those tight embraces.

"_Querida,_" he said, his voice sounded husky, "I never meant anything like that!"

Normally, if there were any place I could count on to make me feel safe, to make me feel loved, more than loved, _needed_, it would be in Jesse's arms. But not this time.

This time I felt only profound angst. And nothing he did could change that. I couldn't forget. Or let him think that I was okay, because I wasn't. I was so far from it.

Did he have any idea what I'd been through? What _he'd_ put me through? How many nights I spent crying myself to sleep? No, he was at the r_ectory._ The 'rectory.' Tell me, what's that code for?

I pulled away, pushing him on the chest, exactly the way I'd done to Paul. He fell back, shocked. His dark eyes were hooded. I couldn't read his expression.

I never could.

My voice cracked, as I whispered, my voice hoarse, "So what did you mean?"

He opened his mouth to answer, when the bell rang.

And I turned to leave.

"Que---" Jesse started, but I stopped him. "I gotta get to class Jesse, bye."

Except I didn't go to class, I went into the girl's bathroom and cried my heart out.

* * *

Some people pointed out that they thought Suze was being too dramatic with the crying in this chapter. And I seriously took that into consideration. I reread this chapter like, 10 times. But really, if the love of my life were treating me like shit, I would be disconsolate too.

So I made it 'cried my heart out', instead of 'cried until third period.' I figure that way, it's left open for interpretation.

The button's right there. (Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Nudge, NUDGE.)


	3. Sweet Misery

Hey Dudes!!

Its me again, this time with chapter 3.

Now, I understand that this whole re-writing and buffing process is taking like, a REALLY long time, so I'd like to thank everyone that's stuck with this story when I had writer's block, which sometimes got so bad that I needed Ching to help me get started. (_Thanks Ching!_ By the way, chapter 19 is like, all hers. I just edited. You will see!!)

And of course, I'd like to thank Angela, who was with me throughout this whole thing. This story is OURS, hunny, and it's totally awesome cause of all your great ideas.

And lastly, to all the reviews, THANK YOU SO MUCH, you don't know how far your support has gotten me. Sniff...sniff...(Jessie does a little Ms. America bow, tiara falls over, "Oops." heh heh...)

So yeah, hope you're not freaked out. I am a bit emotional.

On with the story...

Disclaimer: Now, would you _really_ want to sue me after that speech?

* * *

**Chapter** three: **Sweet Misery**

By the end of school, I was totally exhausted. Not from schoolwork, but more from the emotional strain of seeing Jesse again. Who does that guy think he is? Does he actually think that he can just come waltzing in my world again? Calling me _querida_ again, as if nothing had happened?

Please, Jesse, I am not _that _easy.

My mind was still rambling when Paul breezed by me.

"Hey Suze, my car is this way," said Paul, pointing left of the parking lot and doing one of his classic eye rolls.

I said, "Oh, right," and followed in his direction. God, I can't even keep track of direction.

I got into Paul's BMW silently, closing the car door behind me, and buckling my seatbelt. Okay, before I go any further: I know what you're thinking. Any you could not be more wrong. Suze Simon, get into the car with the psycho who had tried to off her boyfriend? What am I doing?

Well, I'll tell you, it's not like that. I mean, my reasons are completely platonic. I love Jesse and always will, even after what had happened today.

You see, ever since the disaster at Brad's party, Paul has been giving me shifting lessons. And I must admit, Paul is pretty helpful in this shifting business. Amazingly true to his promise, Paul also hasn't been giving me any sexual advances. So really, it was ok. And besides, I was still doing this for Jesse.

Stupid Jesse who was too stupid to realize we were freaking perfect for each other, but instead hung out with that stupid cat. Or lucky, cat, I should say.

-----

By the time we reached Paul's house, I had already zoned out. I got out of the car wordlessly, and followed him into the house like some kind of limp puppet. Paul held his lessons at his living room, thank God. I'm not going anywhere near his bedroom after the 'incident.' You know what I'm talking about.

But I must admit, when it comes to shifting, Paul sure knows his stuff. He's been teaching me what he calls the 'basics,' the ability to materialize and dematerialize—just like ghosts—we've even explored some witchcraft; how to make potions, and conjuring of spells. You know, like on _Charmed._ (A/n: I love that show! But it's not on the WB anymore!)

"What we are going to work on today are your killer weak materializing powers," Paul said. "I mean, really Suze, I've seen Jack do better."

"Gee, thanks Paul, for the killer vote of confidence." I retorted. But, he was right. As much as I hate to admit it, my powers to materialize and dematerialize are pretty weak. I've been only able to utilize these powers within the perimeter of Paul's house. Actually, within the perimeter of the bottom floor, I can't even go upstairs yet. Not that I want to, if you know what I mean.

Which you wouldn't, because you're normal. Joy.

"Okay," Paul said, he waved a piece of red paper in front of me, backing up into the hallway. "Can you hear me?"

I nodded.

"Can you see me?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes, Paul, I can see you."

He stepped out of my view. "Can you hear me now?"

"Yes!" I was tired and cranky, meaning: my bitch quotient was on high.

"Can you hear me now?"

"Paul!" I snapped, "This is not a wireless commercial!"

He chuckled. "Oh, sorry." He stepped back into my view waving the paper wildly. "Okay, dematerialize past this paper."

I stood there, my hands on my hips. "Paul, I'm not a bull."

"Right." He said, smirking. "You're a hot chick."

I dematerialized next to him and smacked him on the back of the head.

"Ow!"

**------**

"No, Suze…_concentrate_."

"I am," I said through gritted teeth. "It just won't freaking work!!"

"It would if you'd just concentrate…" he muttered, more to himself, but I heard him anyway.

"Fine," I said, "let's try this _again_."

**------**

Throughout the two hours of Paul's coaching, I hadn't improved much. This I blamed on Jesse. I'd been thinking about him throughout the entire lesson, dazing off at times and staring into space. I wondered what he was doing right then. Where was he? Did he miss me?

So I was pretty silent. You know, other than the yelling. Even Paul noticed.

"Suze, you okay?" Paul asked, sounding a little worried.

"Yeah," I replied. Thinking of a lie with lighting fast speed, I said, "It's just that I have this killer headache." I held my hand to my forehead for effect.

After that comment, Paul actually got concerned about me. And when I suggested going home, he didn't object.

I got out of the car really exhausted. Waving goodbye to Paul, I stomped up the steps to my front door. I ran into the kitchen to grab a quick snack, and clonked up the stairs, bursting into my room and dropping all my stuff, planning to collapse on the bed.

Only I couldn't.

Because it was already occupied with two ghosts, making out.

* * *

Now, if you've read this before, you already know what happens. I just wanted to add more shifting stuff in the story, since dematerialising will be a small issue in chapter 19. 

Here's a preview for Chapter 4, for all those who are interested. It's called "Fireworks." For obvious reasons.

_Well, I wasn't going to just stand there and let myself get played. I walked right up to Jesse and his amore, and pulled the plug. _

_I ended it, right then and there._

_Game over._

Ummm...I like reviews. Just a thought. Something you should know.


	4. Fireworks

**Hey guys!! Its me again, this time with chapter 4.**

**I was compelled to update this earlier, (even though its not very long) because of all the awesome reviews I recieved. I finally hit 200!! That just makes me so; EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!**

**So I'd like to take this amount of room to thank all my really really cool reviewers.**

**Midnight Knight: Well, its here, pretty soon, I guess.**

**Ching: Thanks for reviewing. I know how HARD it is for you. Jk hunny. I love you.**

**Nadia: Thanks. I do have more chapters.**

**A Crazy Elephant: Nice name. Don't worry, it makes no difference, everything is pretty much the same.**

**Ellen: My bad. It is on, I know, I watched it. I edited this part a while ago, when it was on summer haitus. Don't sue. You can tell by all my disclaimers that I'm a bit uneasy about getting sued.**

**Crystal: I know the feeling. Skittles are cool. Especially the sour ones. muah to you too. **

**appleGumdrops42: I made you cry? Aww...I'm sorry. But I can't help but feel kinda proud. I like doing that with writing.**

**Christina: Hi hunny. I updated, see? And I added more Jesse. FOR YOU. That's right. Better be nice to me now. Lol. I know you are. Are you done with Haunted yet? Isn't it good?**

**Firtation101: Thanks for the review, dude. I did, didn't I?**

**Gooberballs and Chocolate: Hunny, you are just too awesome. Your reviews are really good for my ego. No. This is NOT Paul and Suze fluff. I am a faithful Jesse fan. I will never write Paul and Suze fluff. Plus, you know, my MEDiATOR BUDDY will kill me if I do.**

**Like you need to know: Really? You think? Awww....thanks. I like the musing too. I put it in chapter 1 especially for chapter 2.**

**PisxiePam: Thanks.**

**flonshoe: Thanks a lot. I like the new stuff too.**

**moovalous3: Chapter 19 is for this story. There are 21 chapters in all. Thanks for the review, hunny.**

**aet123: I'm sure its not. But thanks for the flattery.**

**Pens in potatoes: There WAS more to this. But, as part of my editing process, and because I didn't want people to ignore hte re-edited chapters(I did spend a lot of time on them), I decided to take the rest of and add on bit by bit. You are not going loopy, hunny, and thanks for the review.**

**cheekychik: I'm sorry for the long wait last time. I'm pretty sure I don't have admirers, but thanks again, for the flattery. All you hunnybunches are really good for my ego.**

**Angela: Sighs, Angela. What is there to say? I love you. Call me more often. And email me constantly.**

**StarryDreamer89: Dude, like the name. Sweet Misery is going to be 21 chapters long. I know I said the sequel would be up very soon, but unfortunately, my Modern World teacher does not wish that to happen. I am swamped with homework and extracurriculars, but I PROMISE that I will have finished updating this by Thanksgiving. I really need a holiday. The sequel will be up sometime before TWiLiGHT comes out. (For a preview, check my profile. I was really bored in Language Lab.)**

**Terriah: Omg, thanks.**

**x0SweEtkIssEzxO: Hey dude, like the new sn. I updated. Now update _yours._ Lol. No pressure, thanks for the review.**

**Screwball6: very creative name. Thanks for the review.**

****

**Okay. Wow. That took up a lot of room. Umm, if I didn't get you, please don't hate me. It is 9:11 and I have to play at church tomorrow. But I love you, and if you want a shoutout, let me know, and I'll give you TWO. lol. How about that?**

**Now, I have used up enough space already, so...**

**THE END.**

**lol. jk. On with the story.**

**Disclaimer: Take what you want, but I'm keeping the ipod.****

* * *

**

**Chapter **four: Fireworks

The bell rang. And she walked away. Leaving me there alone, the sea of students walking through me as I stood, blank-faced in the hallway.

And I felt lost.

Everything that mattered to me was dissipating, wasting away, as I watched her retreating figure, which remained smaller and smaller, until she turned the corner, and I could see it no more.

-----

I was just finishing up the last chapter of Critical Theory Since Plato(a/n: hahaha…that book of his…lol.), when I heard sobbing, and looked up from my usual spot on the window seat. Thinking it was Susannah, I said, as gently as possible, "_Querida_, what's the matter?"

But Susannah did not reply. Instead, it was another ghost, some strange girl crying her heart out. I do not think it was wise of me to have called her '_querida_', because she took it as term of endearment and threw herself at me.

Literally. She ran straight into my arms and started babbling on about her boyfriend, and about how he didn't love her anymore, and how her life wasn't worth living.—_Santa Maria_, do all girls talk as fast as Susannah?—I found this ironic, because she was already dead. But seeing the state of shock and sorrow she was in, I didn't mention it to her.

Instead, I sighed and patted her on the back, the way I did to my sisters when they were distressed, trying to calm her down. I had no choice but to comfort her. I would have to talk to Susannah some other night.

"Shhh…" I whispered, "calm down, just tell me your name…"

She sobbed into my shoulder, "… C-clar-risse…"

"Clarrisse, please tell me, what is troubling you?"

"…M-myy boyfriend… he dd-doesn't… he ddoesnt…."

"He doesn't what?" I asked, pulling her away from me and wiping her eyes.

"HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!! He doesn't love me anymore… he cheated on me!!! He made out with Kristy, even though he said… he said she's just a friend." He eyes flooded again with tears.

I took out my handkerchief and wiped her eyes again. "Forgive me for saying so, but this boyfriend of yours, doesn't sound like a very honorable young man, perhaps you are better without him."

She looked up at me from her tears, eyes glistening. "R-rreally?"

I smiled at her. "I'm sure of it. Now… tell me, how is it that you came to be dea—" Only I was unable to continue, because all of a sudden she forced herself on me, and kissed me.

And, as if by accident of fate, that's when Susannah came in.

**-----**

Sometimes it takes all of your constructive energy to restrain yourself from jumping on somebody and punching their lights out.

This was definitely one of those moments.

I couldn't believe it. So it was all a game.

This, this—whatever the hell we were doing. All of it.

All a lie, all a joke. Just some sick ploy to keep him occupied in his spare time. So _this_ was why he had been gone for a month!

Well, I wasn't going to just stand there and let myself get played. I walked right up to Jesse and his _amore_, and pulled the plug.

I ended it, right then and there.

Game over.

Just kidding. That never happened. I could only hope that I was strong enough to do that. Instead I just stood there, trying to come up with something to say, something distant, aloof. Anything, really, when out of my mouth, in a voice that cracked, came the only words I was capable of uttering.

"Jesse? Oh my gosh…Jesse."

-----

I pushed her off me immediately. No, not pushed, shoved. Shoved as hard as I could. As if by shoving, I would rid myself of the wave of guilt that fell upon me as I heard her heart shatter to pieces. As if by shoving, all the anger, all the hurt, everything, would go away.

If only it were that easy.

Clarisse, noticing my gaze, started to smirk.

**-----**

That bitch started to have this real satisfied look on her face. "Oh, you must be the mediator. I've heard so much about you. Sorry for what you had to see. My boyfriend and I haven't seen each other for a while and we missed each other." She nodded toward Jesse and smiled sweetly. Sweet my _ass_.

And then she continued to chatter on incessantly. I know this, not because I had heard her, I had blocked out all sound around me, but because I continued to see her mouth move. Boyfriend, what _boyfriend_?? She wasn't talking about _Jesse_ was she?? WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE??? After I go and confess my undying love for him—well, maybe not literally, but still—he goes and does THIS?

I looked at his face, trying to read his thoughts. Trying desperately to find some hint, some clue, something that told me that it was a lie. That he liked me. Maybe even loved me. That he wouldn't do this.

He quickly glanced away.

But I caught a glimpse of his eyes. They were filled with guilt. His eyes were filled with guilt, because what this bitch was saying was true.

It was as if he took my heart and broke into two. All of a sudden I felt suffocated. Really, like I couldn't breathe. The world around me grew deafly quiet, and all I could hear were my breaths, that were coming in gasps. My lungs felt like they were filled with lead. My feet grew weak, about to collapse under me at any moment. Clarrisse was still opening and closing her mouth. Jesse was still standing there, face turned away from me, not denying it. _Not denying it._

All at once, my emotions swiftly turned from heartbroken to mad. I wasn't just mad, I was fucking furious.

The stupid son-of-a-bitch doesn't think that I'm good enough for him. He has to go rut around with some blonde with big tits. I mean, _Come on Jesse!_ Did that kiss mean _nothing_ to you?

"Susannah, this…" he started to say.

I cut him off. I tried to start off as calm as I could, I tried to be rational, but eventually my talking turned to ranting, my ranting into hysterical screams. "Shut the _hell_ up, Jesse. What the hell is this? Is THIS why you've been gone for a month? You son of a bitch…"

And then it was hard to continue, since Clarisse kept on yakking, interrupting my thoughts. So I showed her a piece of my mind. I launched myself at her and started to pound on her. Really, just let out all my rage. Channeled it, actually, into something resourceful, that something being breaking her nose, and a part of her jaw. And when I calmed down, her face was all bloody, and it looked like she had a black eye.

Even so, I couldn't help a bit smug. Ha! Have fun kissing THAT, Jesse.

That's when she dematerialized, coward. Leaving Jesse and me alone.

Silence took over the room. Silence that, after all the commotion pierced through me like a scream. Jesse said nothing. Just stood there, looking at me with those fathomless eyes. I hated those eyes.

Hated everything about what he'd just done. Hated everything that he put me through. I hated all the lies, all the fights, all the kisses…and—

I hated myself. For all the love wasted.

"Listen, _Querida,_ I …" he started to say.

Only I cut him off again. The ache in my heart was back, only worse, and I was shaking with rage. I clenched my fists and counted to ten, the way my psychiatrist said I should do when I was mad.

Didn't work.

"Don't you dare call me _that,_" I spat. "I am not your '_querida_, Jesse. Not anymore. You know what? I get it." I laughed, a laugh completely devoid of humor. "I finally see the real you underall the formalities, under your little façade. You're nothing. You're just some stupid little ghost. You're the gum on the bottom of every fucking shoe," I spat.

Trust me, when I'm mad, I'm mad. I got into this real passionately. I started calling him all kinds of words. I conjured up every bad word I could think of.

And Jesse just stood there, hanging his head. He looked down at the floor. And then, when I paused to take a breath, he gazed directly at me.

I stopped ranting. There was something in his eyes that paralyzed my senses. It looked like sadness mixed with—something—something I couldn't define. His eyes were glistening… with tears?

Wait a minute, Jesse never cries.

It was probably because I had just done a number on his girlfriend.

"I'm sorry, _querida,_" he choked out. And then he dematerialized.

Sometimes it takes all of your constructive energy not to jump on someone and punch their lights out. The same goes for trying not to cry.

But the thing was, after everything that had just taken place, I don't think I had an ounce of strength left in me.

So instead, I did the only thing possible to do. The one thing that, though it felt horrible; set me free.

I sank down onto the floor and cried.

* * *

**Well, that was slightly depressing, wasn't it?**

**Don't worry hunnys, I'll update again with Chapter 5 tomorrow, if I can get home early from dance.**

**Now, in case I don't...here is a preview.**

_"So," said CeeCee, as she and I split a cannoli and a Diet Coke, "what's the deal with you and Jeremy?" she looked over across the courtyard to where Adam and Jeremy were trying to feed a bunch of seagulls, only to be yelled at by one of the nuns. "And what about you and Jesse?"_

_"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to hide my blush, "there's nothing going on with me and Jeremy, and there's definitely nothing between me and Jesse."_

_She looked at me rather curiously, "What are you talking about? I thought you and him were finally 'together.' "_

_"Well," I said, tersely, "let's just say he doesn't appreciate what he has sometimes."_

_"Who doesn't appreciate what he has?"_

**And that's it. **

**You know what to do.**


	5. Out of Reach

Hey there!!

I'm back!! This time I put in an extra effort with Chapter 5, because I don't think I'll be able to update until next Sunday. I have quite a few projects due, (cough, MODERN WORLD, cough) and I have a level 6 piano exam coming up soon. So actually, I don't think I will be able to update till December.

But don't worry, that doesn't mean I won't work on this. I have saved both stories, SWEET MISERY and HOMECOMING, into my email account, so that I will be able to work on them, at school or at home, anywhere that has a computer.

Aren't we all proud of Jessie? She's organizing her time!!

Lol. Yeps. Thanks, again, for reviewing...and OH, BEFORE I FORGET: THiS CHAPTER INCLUDES LYRICS FROM THE SONG, _Out of Reach_, by Gabrielle, its a break-up song, so I thought it fit for this chappie. I would like to take this time to say, that though I am using the lyrics, IN NO WAY AM I EXERCiSiNG OWNERSHiP OF THiS SONG, or the characters of the Mediator, for that matter. I simply like writing. LEAVE ME ALONE.

OH. RIGHT, and ALSO, I have used quotes from the actual Mediator series, (To be specific, REUNiON and DARKEST HOUR), but I do not claim ownership of THOSE either. I just thought them fit for the whole, 'musing' thing. So, once again, PLEASE DON'T SUE ME.

I have placed quotations around them, in accordance to copyright laws.

That was my disclaimer, right there. I have witnesses. You got nothing on me.

okay...now, on with the show...

* * *

**Chapter **five **Out of Reach**

****

_Knew the signs  
Wasn't right  
I was stupid for a while  
Swept away by you  
And now I feel like a fool_

_So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you?_

I got up the next morning feeling drowsy and tired, like I was having a hang-over, which was weird, since all I had to drink was apple cider. I am, after all, still underage.

I rolled out of bed, throwing the covers aside, and stumbling around the room, I threw on a denim skirt and a pink tee that said 'TOMMY GIRL.' I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and inspected myself in the mirror, wondering how it was that my eyes were so puffy.

_Out of reach, so far  
I never had your heart  
Out of reach,  
Couldn't see  
We were never  
Meant to be_

That was when I remembered. Jesse. Clarrisse.

Jesse _and_ Clarrisse.

And my heart felt the ever familiar twang as I recalled last night's events. Me and Jesse were over. For good.

Shaking my head softly, as if by shaking, I could toss the thoughts out of my mind, I began doing my usual morning routine, and went downstairs for breakfast. I grabbed a bagel and a glass of orange juice and headed off to school with Dopey and Doc.

Like normal. Not once thinking of Jesse.

_Catch myself  
From despair  
I could drown  
If I stay here  
Keeping busy everyday  
I know I will be OK_

I had decided, amidst all the crying and sobbing, that I was going to be strong about this. I wasn't gonna go moping around like some wounded animal, just because he didn't love me. I was gonna live my life as normal, because, really, this kind of thing had been a long time coming. I had received multiple warnings from Father Dominic and my father, heck—even Paul told me how stupid I was being.

And they had been right. Jesse and I weren't meant to be. Dead people don't have relationships with someone alive, mediator or not. Jesse had gone and proved it, it was just my fault I hadn't seen it before.

_But I was  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you?_

But all that aside, I never ever thought that he would _cheat_ on me.

I walked outside with my book bag, my right hand over my eyes. The marine fog was blinding, and a breeze blew under my denim skirt. I shivered, and wrapped my arms around myself as a protection. For my body, but also for my heart. I wasn't going to go through pain like that, not again.

The weather would soon be changing, the sun would come out, and the fog would clear to reveal bright blue skies. And I would change too. This wasn't over. Not the end, I refused to let it be. I was going to be happy. I was gonna be alright.

I sat in the car, listening to Dopey drone on about how unfair my parents were being about his grounding, you know—because of his hot-tub fiasco—and Doc, talking about the government conspiracy in Area 51, all the while staring dazedly outside the window.

Finally, we reached the adobe-red brick building known as the Mission Academy. I got out of the car wordlessly, closing the door behind me. It was Doc who first noticed my mood. "Suze," he said, staring up at me behind the lens of his glasses, "are you alright?"

"Huh? Yeah, course I am."

He looked unconvinced. "Are you sure? 'Cause you can tell me, you know."

I smiled at him. Doc was so sweet sometimes. "Yeah, I'm ok, just a little tired, stayed up late writing my essay on the Civil War."

"Oh," he said, and then lowering his voice, "because I thought it might have something to do with Jesse. No offense, Suze. But you might wanna keep it down sometimes. Our walls aren't soundproof, you know? And if Dad ever heard all those things you were sayin…"

He trailed off; looking at the deadly glare I gave him before stomping off into the courtyard. That kid is way too smart for his own good.

-----

I walked towards Father D's office as quiet as possible, since some of the nuns stayed asleep until second period. As I entered, I saw a boy seated in the chair across from the father. He and Father Dom looked up as I walked in.

"Oh," said Father D, "Susannah, how nice of you to join us, this is Jeremy Curtis," he said, gesturing to the boy in front of him, "Jeremy, this is the girl I was talking about, Susannah Simon, she will be accompanying you to your classes today."

"Hi," said Jeremy, and he smiled.

My jaw dropped, and I didn't even bother to close it. Jeremy was HOT. Almost, well maybe not as hot as Jesse—not that I'm thinking about him, of course—but gorgeous nonetheless, his tousled blond hair fell just before his eyes, which were a gorgeous brown, similar to that of dark chocolate. _Breathe, Suze._

_In and out._

I stood for a moment dazed, until I snapped out of the stupor he put me in, and choked out a, "Hi." Because I'm just so gifted with words.

He smiled again, looking me up and down.

_In and out._

_In and out._

Father Dom intervened on my behalf, with a bemused look on his face. "Anyway, Susannah," he said, gesturing for me to sit down, "you can accompany him to class as soon as I have a few words with you. Jeremy, would you please excuse us for a moment?"

"Susannah," he said, shuffling papers distractedly as Jeremy closed the door behind him, "did something happen between you and Jesse? He came to me yesterday, looking very troubled."

I rolled my eyes. Right. Of course he did. "Well," I said, my voice somewhat indignant, "he cheated on me."

Father Dominic stopped shuffling abruptly. "What?" he said, as if he didn't hear me correctly.

"He. Cheated. On. Me." I said. Enunciating clearly on every word. Seeing the confused look on his face I added, "You know, cheated. Two-timed. Played me like a harpsichord! (Sorry Lolly…it was just too cute.)"

The confusion on his face increased. Jeez, didn't know he was that old fashioned. "He saw another girl the same time he was seeing me!"

Father Dom chuckled. What's so funny about me being two-timed, I'll never know. "Susannah…" he said, looking way more amused than the situation warranted, "just because Jesse looked at another girl does not mean he committed a crime. He is still very loyal, if I recall, to you."

I sighed. He so did not get it. I began telling him—very slowly, mind you,—everything that I saw when I got home that night.

To say Father D looked shocked would've been an understatement. He looked at me for a moment as if I had just accused him of blasphemy. "Susannah," he said, quickly recovering, "I believe you must be mistaken. 'Cheating' as you put it… is not something Jesse would do, I believe he is much too honorable to treat you in such a way."

"Well I saw what I saw," I said, rather huffily. It was just like the father to stick up for Jesse that way. Men.

"Perhaps you should talk with him," he said, eyes full of concern. As if he wanted us to be together. Tough luck, dude.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I said, getting out of my chair, "well I really must be going to class now. Bye Father D." I grabbed my stuff and I left without another word.

Jeremy was waiting for me outside, his hands in his pockets. "So, shall we?" he said, offering me his arm like in the Titanic. I took it, laughing, "Yeah, come on."

-----

The bubbling fountain was calm and somewhat serene, cooling my nerves and my senses. The hibiscus plants that grew at the side of the palm trees were in full bloom, with several humming birds fluttering around the buds. Smiling, I looked down into the water and saw… nothing.

At first I was surprised, until I remembered. I hadn't seen my reflection in a hundred and fifty years. I sighed, and turned away. The fountain had lost it's beauty, the hummingbirds existing now only to annoy me.

I had almost forgotten; it was so easy to forget when thinking of her.

I knew I had to explain to Susannah. I hadn't been given a chance to explain. I had to go apologize. She was so furious last night; I never got a word in. Perhaps she had calmed down a bit. I should go see her.

But what, I thought, should I say? Susannah was so difficult sometimes. I'll tell I was sorry. Tell her that I love her.

I couldn't let her stay hurt. I couldn't let her think of me that way. There was a strange dullness in Susannah's eyes whenever she was angry with me, it took away everything about her I loved so much.

I was just about to dematerialize back into the rectory when I heard it.

Susannah, laughing with her classmate as they walked to class. My heart lifted, and I was just about to go to her… when I saw that her friend was a…young man. He had golden blond hair and hazel eyes. They were talking animatedly and walking arm in arm.

Feelings of shock flooded through me, as if I were being punched in the stomach.

Who was this boy??

-----

Jeremy, not only being totally hot was totally sweet as well.

Really, I mean, he wasn't snobby or egotistic, and he never made me feel uncomfortable or stupid, which is really a lot different than most of the guys I've met.

Don't believe me? Let's go down the list.

There was:

1. Bryce---and his psychotic ghost stalker for a girlfriend,

2. Tad---with some serious family issues, on top of being a total dumb jock,

3. Michael---who was a crazy revenge-seeking murderer,

4. Paul---who was a horny spawn of Satan, and

5. Jesse---well Jesse---who'd cheated on me.

So you can see why he's a huge asset to Suze and Co.

Anyways, Jeremy went with me to every single one of my classes, thanks to Father D, and we really hit it off. I learned a lot of cool things from him through our conversation. Like that his family originally owned a huge fashion merchandising company back in New York, but they'd moved away and sold it all when his father developed a fascination with life on the west coast. He told me all about his two sisters, twins, Anna and Madeline, who were freshman at Sacred Heart. That he wanted to be an architect.

And I told him about Gina, back in New York. He said he knew her; she'd gone out with his best friend once. I had laughed at this. That was just so Gina.

All in all, he was really a nice person. I mean, Debbie and her maids-in-waiting were all over him—fortunately, Kelly wasn't there—, not to mention Brad and his Jock table, and he still insisted on sitting with me, CeeCee and Adam for lunch.

-----

"So," said CeeCee, as she and I split a cannoli and Diet Coke, "what's the deal with you and Jeremy?" she looked over across the courtyard to where Adam and Jeremy were trying to feed a bunch of seagulls, only to be yelled at by one of the nuns. "And what about you and Jesse?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to hide my blush, "there's nothing going on with me and Jeremy, and there's definitely nothing between me and Jesse."

She looked at me rather curiously, "What are you talking about? I thought you and him were finally 'together.' "

"Well," I said, tersely, "let's just say he doesn't appreciate what he has sometimes."

"Who doesn't appreciate what he has?" I spun around to see Paul smiling at me, looking totally hot as usual in an Abercrombie and Filch sweatshirt. God, is he like, the new spokes model for them? Cause, you know, he should be.

Why is it all the hot guys in my life are jerks? Well, maybe not all of them, not Jeremy, at least.

"Get lost Paul," I said, narrowing my eyes, and holding up my fist.

"Okay, okay," he held up his hands to shield his face. "Just wanted to remind you about our little date tonight."

I saw CeeCee look at me, white eyebrows raised.

I sighed. "I'd prefer it if you'd not refer to shifting lessons as a date, Paul." I didn't even flinch at the look she gave me. Better for CeeCee to be confused than to have delusions about something that never was.

"Yeah, yeah." He said, "Just make sure you show up, or I won't be held responsible for what happens to Rico Suave. Eight O' clock, sharp." He winked suggestively.

I resisted my temptation to smack him and said, through gritted teeth, "I'll be there."

-----

I am ashamed to say that I did to Susannah what she would have referred to as 'stalking' for the rest of her school day. I know it was immoral of me, a violation of her privacy. But I couldn't help it. Not while she was with_ him_.

And I'll admit it. I am jealous of that boy. The one with the golden blonde hair. The one with his arms around my _querida_, the one who's _alive_.

It was just—the way she looked at him, the way her eyes brightened when she was near him. That was something that never happened when she was around me. (A/n: Tsk. Tsk. Does Jesse not know ANYTHING?) So is it really so outlandish to feel, at the least, threatened?

I cannot say that I know her feelings toward this young man, exactly. But I see the way he looks at her, when she is not paying attention. And that, in itself, tears up my heart.

_So much hurt,_  
_So much pain  
Takes a while  
To regain  
What is lost inside  
And I hope that in time,  
You'll be out of my mind  
And I'll be over you_

_But now I'm  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you?_

_-----_

_" Jesse did something then that he'd never done before. I doubt he'll ever do it again, either._

_And it happened so fast, I wasn't even sure afterward if it had really happened, or if, in my drugged-out stated, I imagined it._

_But I'm pretty sure he reached out and touched my cheek. " _

_-----_

_" Jesse looked up at the hole, and then back at me, and then back up at the hole._

_And then back at me._

_"No, thank you, querida," he said, casually. "I think I want to stay and see how it all ends." "_

_-----_

_" "Especially," I said significantly, looking up at him, "from talking. That's what I especially need a day off from. Talking."_

_"Fine," he said. He reached up and cupped my face in both his hands. "We don't have to talk."_

_And that's when he kissed me._

_On the lips. " _

-----

"Hey, you okay?" I looked up; Jeremy was looking at me intently across the lab materials.

"Huh? Yeah. I'm great, just a little sleepy." I really am losing it aren't I?

Oh," he said, "because you're crinkling the directions for our report."

I looked down at the paper that was wrinkled and ripped in my hands. "Oh shit!" I said, blushing furiously.

He smiled, "That's okay, I'll go ask Mr. Womack for another one." (a/n: Mr. Womack is named after my 7th grade science teacher, who's like the teacher coolest in the world.)

"Yeah," I said, still blushing. "Thanks."

He got out of his seat and came back with a couple pieces of paper. "I got more, just in case." I giggled, no seriously! I giggled.

Oh god, Suze. Blonde moment, girls. Right there.

He just smiled, you know, in an I-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-you-and-I-don't-wanna-bother-to-ask way. Attractive, really. "So," he said, "wanna work on this after school, partner?"

I was still blushing. "Uh… yeah, good idea… my place? We can get a ride with Dop—I mean, Brad."

"Yeah, sure, your place it is."

_Out of reach,  
So far  
I never had your heart  
Out of reach,  
Couldn't see  
We were never  
Meant to be  
  
Out of reach,  
So far  
You never gave your heart  
In my reach, I can see  
There's a life out there  
For me…_

**

* * *

**So. What did we think? I think I like this song, a lot a lot. 

And I think that I will miss not being able to go online for the next few weeks.

And I think you should review.

Lol. Love you!!

jESSiE

P.S. Is anyone going Trick-or-Treating? Is there a limit on how old you need to be? I don't think I'm gonna go though....(sniff, sniff) I don't have a costume!!


	6. Screaming Infidelity

I think we can all tell from the title what the chapter is about. And I think we all know that it will be rather sad. Well, not really. 

Nevermind.

But you know, you should all be very proud of me. I am updating the night before my Forensics competition. My duo partner is yelling at me right now.

Anyways, I have already started re-editing the seventh chapter. The beginning, in my opinion, is rather cool. ;)

So anyway, read, hopefully review, and don't give up on me, because I WILL have this done soon.

Chapter seven will be up on the 26th.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing is copyrighted. Please don't sue me. I am loved.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter** six:** Screaming Infidelity**

"Suzie, who is this?" My mother was looking at and Jeremy with an ever familiar twinkle in her eyes. Oh, jeez. Not that again.

"Uh… mom," I said, giving her a warning look, one that she did not catch, by the way. "This is my friend Jeremy, he's new at the mission, and we're working on a lab report together, so I invited him over, umm… is that okay with you?"

She smiled again, trying not to let her excitement show. Very nice, Mom, well done. "Of course it is honey, I just need to talk to you about something in the kitchen," she gestured for me to follow her, her eyes focused on Jeremy, who was standing in the living room, looking more than a little bewildered.

"Susie, so tell me," she said after we were in the kitchen, "what's this between you and Jeremy?" she looked as if she were about to explode with happiness.

I looked her in the eye, you know, so she wouldn't get any of her brilliant 'ideas'. "Mom, there's nothing between me and Jeremy, I hardly know him." The disappointment showed significantly in her face. My poor mother, she's a nice lady who doesn't deserve someone like me for a daughter. She needs who's popular, a cheerleader, or someone who's been voted Homecoming Queen…someone like her, when she was my age. Someone _normal. _

"But do you like him?" Would it make any difference? Its not like someone that hot would wanna go out with me, I had witnessed that first-hand yesterday with Jesse.

But then again, Jeremy was a whole lot nicer than Jesse, so maybe we could…No.

No. No. _No._ No way would that ever happen to you Suze. So just get it outta your head.

"I guess he's…okay?"

"Honey," I looked up. My mother was lowering her gaze to meet mine, "you know, he's pretty hot, Suzie." That was when I nearly keeled over in shock.

Rewind, and FREEZE.

My MOTHER does not say HOT.

I felt myself go beet red. "Uh..huh…." then I turned to leave, keeping my eyes glued to the kitchen tiles. "Yeah, you know, I should get Jeremy so we can start our homework."

"Oh," she said, "yeah, go start your 'homework.' " She winked and pointed at me, as if to say 'I gotcha.'

I turned around abruptly, my cheeks ablaze with embarassment, letting out a silent scream before I entered the living room.

-----

While Suze was talking to her mom, I waited in the family room and strolled around looking at the various pictures hung up on the wall. There were so many of them, and they were arranged so perfectly, as if whoever put them up had spent hours perfectly the scenery around one picture alone. And then, there were knick-knacks, small ones, quirky ones all over the place. The house gave off a cozy feeling, that some one might've thought strange if they had not met the inhabitants.

Afew minutes later, Suze appeared looking rather flushed, and said to me, "Come on, lets go up to my room." _Alright. _

I won't lie to you, and I'm not gonna try and hide it either. I think it's kinda obvious that Suze was pretty hot. She had this really dark hair; the color of chocolate, that flowed silkily across her shoulders, and smooth peachy skin that contrasted with her bright green eyes. I had never seen anyone with eyes like that. I understood why Paul and Adam were giving her looks, not that she ever noticed. Nope, Suze was surprisingly naïve, (naïve but not stupid) which made me like her more.

I followed her to her room, trying to maintain a cool attitude. It was pretty girly, with pink walls, and a canopy bed, frilly stuff that didn't really suit her personality. She sat down on the bed and dumped all her stuff out. "So," she said, "what do ya wanna start off with?"

-----

He just stared at me, with those hazel eyes of his, and I felt the blush creep back into my face. He was really good-looking; he had this perfect face—kinda like Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom(a/n: I LOVE Orlando Bloom)---and muscular biceps that showed through his red Abercrombie T-shirt.

Hmmm… I wonder if he has a six-pack? "Umm… how bout Trig?"

He looked at me again, then said, "Oh, sure. Can you help me a bit, though? I'm really bad at the triangle problems."

Oooh. I'm not too good at those either. "Uhh… sure, have a seat." I patted the space next to me on the bed.

…

"So, you divide that by two, carry the one, and them you're done."

"Oh, great," I said, "thanks." Jeremy was actually a lot better at math then I was. And instead of me helping him, it was really Jeremy helping me. Not that I minded. "You know, you're a really great teacher."

He grinned at me, "Well, maybe I could help tutor you."

-----

She looked at me with those big eyes of hers, and her lips broke into a smile. "Sure! That'd be great."

I just kept looking at her, lost, unable to reply. She was so beautiful with those eyes of hers; it was just so easy to get lost in them. All in all, there was no comparison. Suze was definitely a LOT more beautiful than my last girlfriend.

She noticed my stare and blushed, looking down. I smiled and cupped her face with my hand, tilting it so she'd look at me. Her eyes glistened, and she smiled ever so slightly, her pink lips curving upwards. I leaned forward and kissed her.

-----

I don't know why, but I just let him kiss me. I think it might've been because I was fresh on the rebound, and desperate for any kind of given affection, but really, all that aside, there was no real explanation for me kissing him back.

Which I did. Oh, I most certainly did.

But that was the thing, after all that had happened with Jesse, I didn't feel the least bit guilty about kissing Jeremy. I mean; he was sweet, really smart, REALLY HOT, and a really good kisser, much better than Paul, and maybe better than Jesse.

So yeah, I kissed him back, and in the heat of the moment, I may have even tossed my arm around his neck.

Which was probably a bad idea, because having done that, I encouraged him not to stop kissing me, but to lean forward, bringing us into horizontal position, and start kissing my neck. Which just made me really hot.

So there we were, me squashed under Jeremy, who was kissing me like the world depended on it. And then all of a sudden, his hands crept up under my shirt and started unhooking my bra, which immediately brought me to my senses. I mean, jeez, it was my first day knowing the guy. I wasn't gonna go THAT far.

I mean, I did have some principles, such as saving myself. For who, I'm not too sure as of this moment. But the point is; I wasn't going to go all the way with some guy I just met. I'm a lot of things—a freak being one of them—but I'm not a slut.

Unfortunately, it was when I had just regained the strength to get Mr. Touchy-feely offa me, that I heard someone say in a voice that was so noticably cracked…

"Susannah?"

* * *

So yes. There we go.

I have to practice now, because we are so screwed.

JESSiE

REViEW!!!! PLEASE??


	7. If I Were To Let You Go

Hey Dudes!!

Look! I'm updating two days early!! YAY!! Aren't we all proud of Jessie??

Lol. I actually had this ready awhile ago, but the stupid site was down, so yeah, I couldn't do much about it.

I'm actually updating this during school, because I couldn't freakin' wait anymore.

Thanks to all who reviewed, and...

This chapter is actually rather sad. I think you're gonna see that a lot of the stuff in this story is pretty sad, considering the title, but yeah.

I wrote it when I was in a depression during the summer.

::sighs::

But I'm back to normal now!!

And don't worry, it'll have a pretty good ending in the sequel. So DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!!!

**Disclaimer: I'm much too busy to have to deal with lawsuits right now, so why don't we just NOT sue me, and we'll call it even?**

* * *

**Chapter **seven: **If I Were to Let You Go**

The atmosphere of the altar was damp, and cold, and if the candles could sense the melancholy air that was now upon them.

Somewhere far away, I could hear footsteps, coming closer and closer, echoing in the empty chapel.

Sighing, I collected myself, and got ready to dematerialize. If this person was going to pray here, they would not benefit from my presence.

The footsteps came to a sudden stop.

"Jesse." It was the father.

He came over and put a hand on my shoulder in what I suppose he thought was a loving gesture, but it only served to dishearten me.

"I thought I'd find you here. We were supposed to meet an hour ago, what happened?"

I didn't answer him, only shrugged the hand off my shoulder.

The words _mi madre_ had once uttered drifted into my head. "We're strong people, Jesse. We don't cry about our problems."

Then it was about a skinned knee. Now it was about a broken heart.

"What's happened?" he asked.

"I'm not sure."

"And yet…" he said, his voice filled with light bemusement, "You knew that it would."

"Yes."

"But you did nothing to stop it."

"No."

He was silent for a while, as if pondering his next move. He could break my spirit with just a few words, or he could save it.

"What will you do now?"

I sighed. What else was there?

"Let her go."

…

SHIT! Shoving Jeremy off me, I turned to Jesse. He was sitting on the window seat with his arms crossed, the scar on his right eyebrow extremely white, a dark look in his eyes as the furniture shaking furiously.

He gave me one last look before he turned away. Just the one look, overflodded with somany emotions that I felt instantly sick to my stomach. Then all I saw was the ceiling as I lost sight of him completely, trying desperately to blink back my tears.

"Suze, you all right?" Jeremy said thickly, "Did I do something wrong?"

Thinking of something quick, I covered my mouth and started imitating coughs. "No, I think I'm going to be sick," I said between the coughs. Then I rushed over to the bathroom---with one of my hands behind my back, in a desperate attempt to hold my bra strap together---and slammed the door. Breathing heavily, my thoughts in a jumble. Damn it! Why is it that Jesse always has to show up when I'm making out???

"Suze! Suze, you okay? You want me to call your dad?" Jeremy asked through the door, sounding rather concerned. He should be. Concerned for his life, that is; I could hear the pictures on the walls shaking violently. How is it that he never noticed that?

"No, I'm all right," I quickly replied. By the way, it's step-dad, I added in my head. Then I started imitating retching sounds in an attempt to scare Jeremy away. No such luck.

"Suze, are you sure you're okay? I mean, your brothers are right next-door," he said kinda frantically.

"No, I think I'm fine, just leave me," I said between the vomiting sounds. I could tell that he wanted to leave. I mean who would want a girlfriend vomiting in her toilet after a hot and steamy session of kissing? Not me.

Jeremy began muttering a couple of curses, the entire house was shaking now, at this rate; the windows were going to explode. "Suze, you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just leave," I said, grounding my teeth. The quaking stopped abruptly. I heard the door slam shut, and breathed a sigh of relief. I would never live this down at school tomorrow. Cautiously, I opened the bathroom door. Jesse was nowhere to be seen. Sighing of relief, I grabbed a pillow from the window seat, pressed it to my face, letting out a silent scream.

That look. I would never be able to get that look out of my head. I hated that look, but not because of how angry it made me feel. I hated that look because it made me hate _me._

Tossing the pillow aside, I fell back on the bed, numb. I guess I should've been crying, but it happened that I'd cried so many times in the past three months, I was at a loss of tears to shed.

All that was left was an empty void, lying there on my bed, staring at the ceiling through my pink lace canopy.  
….

I went to my grave today.

I think I might have stood there for hours, gaping down at the chunk of marble as it stood, erect from the ground, staring back at me in a manner that made me almost yearn to cry.

The daffodils that grew around them had lost their fragrance, and instead the entire cemetery seemed to be engulfed in an impenetrable fog.

She had told me, whilst standing here next to this grave, the words carved into my gravestone our tacit witnesses,

_Here lies Hector 'Jesse' de Silva, 1830-1850, beloved brother, son, and friend._

She had told me, pleaded with me, she had _insisted_ that I was all that she wanted.

But those words, the ones that caused my heart to experience such palpitations, were no longer true. I could not be all she wanted, all she needed, and I doubt I ever was. She had always been too far out of my reach.

Instead I had always known, somewhere, in the back of my mind that I would never be enough for her. What could a dead rancher from the 1800's possibly have to offer that this _boy_ could not?

Nothing. I had nothing, no family, no money, I couldn't take her to see those picture-shows she was always talking about, I couldn't buy her dinner, and I couldn't meet her friends and family.

I couldn't ask her to marry me.

And all of a sudden, and so abruptly that it hit me like shards of glass, I felt cold. Not because it was chilly, for in fact, it'd been 150 years since I'd responded to the weather, but because in a way, I was dying all over again.

It had finally caught up to me, my feelings for Susannah, so suddenly it felt as if my chest were about to burst. I had seen the way they were kissing, that boy and my supposedly 'heartbroken' Susannah. And earlier that day, I had seen how happy he made her. And that was when I knew, that I could never give her that kind of happiness.

Because I was dead. Such things eluded me. And standing there before my gravestone, further proof of the state I was in, I felt the sudden urge to smash it, albeit I knew that it wouldn't change a thing. Because in the end, I would still be as I am now, and Susannah and I could never be together. All those things the priest and her father had told me, they're completely right. I had to let her go, I had to give her a normal life.

I stood there looking at my grave for what must have been hours, because when I was ready to leave, the sun was just rising above the horizon, and I had already decided what I had to do.

* * *

Sad, I know. 

Don't worry. He'll never REALLY leave.

Chapter eight will be up sometime after Thanksgiving, I had already edited it, but it got messed up when I went to dance, since I didn't save my stupid files. ::pouts::

Here's a bit of a preview:

**Could've Been.**

_I was getting up when I saw her. Looking, like always radiant, even with the somber expression on her face. I turned my head, unable to look at her, and pretended not to see her. So that she would pass away._

_But she didn't._

_She caught my sleeve just as I was about to dematerialize and said, "Jesse."_

::coughs::

So yeah, Review me.

And WISH ME LUCK!!!

My piano exam's tomorrow.

dun, dun, DUN.


	8. Could've Been

I'm posting this in Language Lab. Alice is right next to me. She is doing French.

Not too much to say, since I don't want the Language Lab lady to yell at me again.

Let's see...

Twilight comes out in 20 days. I am full of happiness, even though I checked with Borders and they said they probably won't have it until January 5th. (Which is, incidentally, my birthday. ;))

Oh, and thanks to all who reviewed and wished me luck. I got Merit!! YAY!!

::Jessie happy dances::

Oh, before I forget Dudes, look out for something new next week. I'm starting a fic in Jesse's POV. One that I might actually keep writing. BREATHE has been postponed for now. Or forever. Depending whether of not I like the explanation they give in Twilight.

And if you have time, do reread chapter 7. I reposted it, with some editations. (If that is a word.)

That's it.

On with the story.

I told you it'd be sad, right?

**Disclaimer:** But...but...I LOVE Meg! Why would I steal ANYTHING??

* * *

**Chapter** eight:** Could've Been**

I think I woke to the sun the next morning.

I remember it shoning in with a blinding light through the cretonne fabric of my dusty lavender curtains, casting an eerie ultra violet glow across the walls of my bedroom.

And for some reason, my first instinct was to cast a glance towards the window. It had been left open overnight, and through it now blew a cool breeze that drifted into the house, combining with the marine fog to create a faint mist that topped all of my possessions.

Maybe that was when it registered, finally, that Jesse hadn't come back last night. Because, though you might find this hard to believe, Jesse had always closed my windows for me, even when he moved to the rectory, even when he was avoiding me. And now I doubt he'd ever do it again.

You'd think I would be rather disconsolate at this new-found piece of information, I do, after all, live for these sort of things, --visits from Jesse, I mean--but it just so happens that the idea of never seeing Jesse again was way too much to just sit and think about.

So I got out of bed, closed them myself, and got ready for school.

----

Lemme tell you something. The female population at the Mission Academy is _weird_.

All these girls kept coming up to me, and flipping their hair in my face. Debbie(is that her name?) kept on slithering over and pulling on my sleeve, batting those fake eyelashes of hers, or worse, leaning in so close that all I could smell was that flowery perfume those girls liked to wear. The kind that gives me allergies.

I ask you; who needs that?

Besides, it wasn't like I was going anywhere. I was waiting for Suze.

I just, I don' know, I wanted to apologize. For what happened yesterday. I really shouldn't have been so forward, especially considering the short period of time I had known her. I mean, what was I thinking, unhooking her bra? Every guy knows you don't do that until the third date.

I guess that's why she pushed me off her, but... I still don't understand how she got so _sick_. I'm not a bad kisser, or at least, She never thought so.

But then again, she never really liked to think.

Suze didn't seem to mind so much, either.

I don't know what came over me; really, I don't. I shouldn't have tried to push her so far. I guess I was just sort of desperate after what happened with--yeah.

So there I was, standing next to a pillar in the mission's courtyard, when Suze walked in, looking extremely stressed.

I waved to her, but she pretended not to see me, and instead ran straight in the direction of the cemetery. And of course, I followed her, what would she do there??

----

He was waiting for me, you know.

When I came to school that day. Just standing there, by the tall pillars in the courtyard, arms crossed around his chest, leaning against the walls in a manner that made me want to run up to him, grab his shirt front, and kiss him until he was blue.

Which is not such a good idea when you're fully in love with someone else. Even if they weren't in love with you.

So when he waved to me that sexy little wave, I simply turned around, and walked away.

My face flushed, my legs like jelly.

But I walked away.

That's what's important, right?

----

I was getting up when I saw her. Looking, like always radiant, even with the expression on her face. And I turned my head, unable to look at her, pretended not to see her...so the visions of her face next to mine might pass away.

But she didn't.

She caught my sleeve just as I was about to dematerialize and said, "Jesse."

----

I grabbed onto the edge of his shirt. "Jesse."

Nothing. He wouldn't look at me. That's how much I hurt him. That's how far I'd gone.

And I hated myself for it.

"Jesse." I said again. "Jesse. Look at me. We need to talk about this."

He turned his head, allowing me a glimpse of his face. His eyes were full and glossy. "Susannah, what is there to say?"

I grabbed both of his hands, and turned his entire body towards mine. I don't know what is was, that gave me the sudden strength to do this, usually just touching Jesse was enough to give me shivers, but somehow, I knew, could almost sense, that this moment would be important. It might even last forever.

"Let me go first."

I took a deep breath. Because that's the first step, right?

And I began. Slowly, quietly, starting with my topic sentence, just as my English teacher had instructed me to when writing an essay, in 5th grade. "I'm sorry."

Nothing. No reaction. And it was all my fault.

"I'm sorry for blowing up on you," I whispered, "when I saw you and Clarrisse, and I'm sorry for calling you all those horrible things, afterwards, and I'm sorry forgetting mad at you, that time in the hallway, and for lying to Father Dominic about our relationship, and I'm sorry for going to shifting lessons, even though I promised not to, and for inviting Jeremy over and for making out and..." I was crying. I tend to do this a lot, I'd noticed, during confessions. It just happens, I guess. While reliving all the horrible things I've done. My conscience can't take it. It totally sucks.

Jesse must've noticed this--the crying--since he pulled out his handkerchief, and tilted my face towards his. Just like so many times before, he began wiping away my tears. And he chuckled. I took it as a good sign.

Chuckling, I mean. That lightens the mood, right?

"Susannah," he whispered, though his eyes were still as dark as ever, "Slow down. All I got were your first few words."

Oh. _Oh._

"Well," I said, staring profusely at the ground beneath us as my cheeks turned, once again, the ever so attractive, Ruby Red. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry."

He turned his face away, though I saw his lips moving to repeat the word. "Sorry," he said. His voice flat, disbelieving.

"I mean it, Jesse. I wasn't thinking straight. He came to my house to help me with a project… and then, things got out of hand… but it was nothing to me. I never meant for it to happen.." I squeezed his hand, and came to realize that theywere cold, so unlike his usual presence. The Jesse I knew was always warm.

"Jesse, please look at me," I pleaded, as my eyes again began to water. "I don't care about Clarrisse. If you love her, I won't stop you from being with her." I let go of his hands and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. "Just please… Jesse… don't be angry with me. I don't think I could live with myself if you were."

That was when he finally looked at me. There was a lot in that look. Just like the one before, it was filled with hurt, and bitter emotion, but then there was disbelief, and horrible frustration, as if Jesse could not believe what he was hearing. As if he was once again, mad at _me._

I bit my lip, appealing to him with my eyes. And it softened, that look, as if it were chastising a small child.

"Don't be this way, Susannah. There is_ nothing_ between me and Clarrisse." The way he said it, soft and gentle, as his breath tickled my ear...

I almost wanted to believe him.

Almost.

"What are you talking about??" I said accusingly, I could feel my heart springing into defensive mode, once again. _Play it safe, _it was advising_, don't let him know you care._ And I ignored it. Completely. Because I had to find out why. "she said so herself. You're her_ boyfriend_." I spat the word with distaste on my tongue.

He put his handkerchief away, sighing deeply."Susannah," he muttered, "I am telling the truth, there is _nothing_ going on between me and Clarrisse." I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up a finger against my lips. "I promise, _querida,_ that day you saw us was the first day I met her."

"But---but, you were--kissing her, and…"

He looked at me, his eyes resembling a dark whirlpool. For a millisecond, I stopped breathing, I was just sinking into those eyes of his, almost paralyzed, but not with fear.

"I did NOT kiss her. She was upset. I was comforting her. She kissed ME." he brought his hand up and touched my cheek. His glossy eyes stared into mine. My knees felt wobbly, about to give way under me at any moment. It was impossible to ignore the growing palpitations in my chest. It was hard to imagine that just one person could do this to me.And yet...there it was.

"Susannah, I would never do anything to hurt you. I promise you that."

He sounded...so, sincere. Really, like he was ready to stake his life--not that he could--on this notion, as if he really _cared_.

This time it was me who leaned in for the kiss. Something about what he said, and they way he said it--looking so hot with that low collar tee of his--did things to me. I put my arms around his neck, pulled his head down, and laid a big fat one on his mouth. Jesse froze, like he didn't know what to do. I could feel his entire body shaking, debating amongst itself; whether or not to pull away.

And I just kept kissing him. I couldn't let go, not even if I tried.

Which was good, when he finally started kissing back, and placing his arms around my waist, and pulling me closer to him. It felt so fiery, that kiss, so passionate, so wonderful, so utterly perfect that there was no way to lose sight of it. It would be forever engraved into my memory. That kiss, burned right into my heart.

So when we parted, what else was there to do? I just had to tell him. No matter what he did next.

I reached up and brushed the hair of out his eyes, tracing the line of that scar. "I love you..." I whispered, my lips curving into a tiny smile.

As soon as I had said it, there was no taking it back. It just hung there, in the distance between us as a cold wind blew in the direction of my face.

And almost immediately I could feel his skin tense beneath my fingertips, as he moved, very slowly, retreating in the direction of that tiny gate, in the cemetary.

"Jesse." I said. Again there was no response, only silence as I watched his face turn pale. He stumbled back, nearly tripping over his gravestone.

"Jesse."

Nothing. I looked around, the stillness of the cemetary seemed so much colder than it did just a few seconds ago, the trees swaying gently in the wind, as he continued to back away.

"Jesse."

Finally, _finally_, he lifted his gaze. And...it was like Icouldn't even recognize him anymore. His eyes...they were still dark, still unreadable, but...it was like something was missing. Something so very precious, important, had been lost from those eyes.

The moment was over in a second, but it would never be the same again.

He just stood there, and gaped at me, as if he himself couldn't believe what he was seeing. I don't think he even realized everything that I had just done, but I knew.

And I knew, just as his eyes started to blur what he was going to say next. And that I wouldn't like it.

"I have to go."

I nodded, blinking back tears as he rushed forward and took my face in his hands. His touch was cold, distant.

It was all over.

"Of course you do." I whispered.

He laid one last kiss on my cheek before he went away. It was soft, quick...dismissive.

And as I was standing there moments later, staring at the vacated spot in the graveyard where his spirit once stood, all I could think about was what could've been.

Until it finally hit me, what was.

And the thought was enough to shatter all that was left of my soul. A gust of wind picked up and hit the front of my sweater. I stumbled back...

And ran. Tears soaking my face, I ran out of the cemetery, past the courtyard, I ran and ran until finally I came to the beach. I sank down on the sand, sobbing into my hands, letting the waves wash up on the shore, praying they would take me with them.

* * *

Don't hate me. I promise you it'll end up well. 

In the sequel.

::egg hits Jessie's forehead:;

::Jessie wipes it away::

So...heh heh...how's it going?

I've got an idea!!

Let's review me, so Jessie updates faster!!

Come on...help a gal out...I skipped outline notes for this!!


	9. Paralysis

HAPPY TWILIGHT.

* * *

**Chapter **nine: **Paralysis**

(Jeremy)

If I had thought, I soon learned, that the female population at the Mission was just weird, I would again, be sadly mistaken. Apparently they were also a little on the dull side.

I had witnessed full proof of this when I followed Suze down the tiny path to the cemetery, just in time to see the weirdest thing in my life. There was no real explanation for it.

I mean, no real scientific one. But fortunately for me, science was something I no longer had much faith in. Forensics Science, especially.

But that didn't mean that the whole thing was okay. Inexplicable, maybe, but not okay.

What do you do when you find your would-be girlfriend talking to thin air? What do you say?

What if she mentioned your ex-girlfriend? The one from New York, whose supposed to be dead?

Come up with anything? Stumped?

I thought so.

Well, whatever. Because crazy or not, it was clear to me that Suze was already in love with someone else. Some loser named 'Jesse.' Though, really? I'm not so sure I'm okay with that, either.

But we'll deal with that later.

The point is, while I was standing there in shock, still contemplating this--and the feelings that went along with it--I heard a voice behind me.

And turned around to see this jock with curly brown hair and blue eyes. He was of one Debbie's friends… Paul something.

Paul something, with a sly smile on his face. "You heard all that?" he asked.

"Yeah…" I said, running a hand through my hair--it was still sticking up from that gust of wind that blew in as she left--"who the fuck was she talking to?"

He smirked and signaled for me to follow him. "I'll explain everything…"

----

(Jesse)

When I was twelve, I stole a small coin from the offering tray during mass.

The priest, Father Santiago Rodriguez was a good man, who, in light of his beliefs, chose not to see the sins of people around him. He truly believed that people were good, and when trusted, would behave accordingly. (A/n: hmm...sound like someone we know?)

So he didn't see me take it.

No one did.

I kept that coin for three days until my father stumbled upon it as he was rummaging through one of my books.

I was whipped, 47 times for the theft of that coin. It was immediately returned to the Father Rodriguez who, in response to my father's pleas for forgiveness and penalty on my behalf later on assigned me as an acolyte boy for the Sunday services.

Every Sunday, I would pass by that altar, and remember, once again the crime that I had committed against my family, against God. It was horrible, every Sabbath, passing by the site where my sin first originated, lighting the rows and rows of candles as guilt ate away at my heart.

I told myself it was a penance, the immense weight my conscience now carried, that my burden--along with the marks on my back--were to make up for my sins, the ones that forbade me entrance into heaven, that took away an eternity with my Lord.

That's what I told myself. And it helped.

But it wouldn't, not this time. This feeling, the sudden rush of emotions I felt as I looked at her were much too horrible, nothing, I knew...nothing, would ever take away from this.

She ran to the beach, crying.

She ran to the beach, crying, sobbing uncontrollably, because of something I did. Because I was too much of a coward to stay, to explain, why it was that I could no longer repeat to her those words, the ones that I had secretly longed to hear, to whisper gently, since I had first seen her face. Since I had first gazed upon those eyes.

She ran to the beach, crying, and yet she doesn't understand.

Why it was, that I had to reject her in such a lowly manner.

I've tried to tell myself that this was for the best. That, somewhere, deep down, I know that I will be better without her. That she will be better without me.

Because, of course, what have I to offer to her that they could not? That they have not?

She ran to the beach, crying.

And yet, I know what will happen. Susannah will pick herself up, just like she's always done. She'll mend her broken heart, and that young man will pick up the pieces. I will always be here, 'hanging around', drifting, by her side. Never to be seen, never to be heard, never to be thought of again.

I've tried to tell myself that I never really loved her, but I know, this isn't true. Because if I've broken her heart today, I've shattered mine a lot worse.

I've tried to tell myself that what I did today was right, that it would soon spare the both of us.

But the words...they never sunk in.

----

(Suze)

It was a cold day. The wind blew in all directions like puffs of smoke, suffocating me to the point of exertion as it dragged the waves up; the highest I'd ever seen them go up the shore. There was no one else on the beach. The sky was cloudy and gray, and the air, unbelievably chilly, unlike the usual Carmel weather. And I knew, that not surfers were not loony enough to go out like this.

I guess that's what you'd have to be to bear it. Either heartbroken or crazy. I think it had registered--what with my wet clothes and hair smelling of seaweed--that I was a little bit of both.

He...he...left.

Ran away, when I told him, how I felt.

Why?

The sun began to set as I wiped the last of my tears, setting the sky ablaze in a rush of red and orange. It lasted for a few seconds before it began to drizzle, each droplet of water hitting my skin like bolts of lightning, and yet...I couldn't bring myself to move.

Why?

Do you ever get that feeling, like you're ready to die? When finally, after years and years of torment nothing matters anymore? Now, I'm not saying I have that feeling. I may be a bit emotional, but not at all suicidal. I do have a future ahead of me, even if sometimes, it feels as if I can't see it.

I didn't have that feeling. So why was it that I couldn't seem to budge? My brain was yelling at myself, screaming, Get up! Get up and go home and take a hot shower! And yet, I just didn't know how to move.

But I didn't have that feeling.

The waves got bigger and bigger. I could only blink as another one crashed against me, nearly dragging me down with it. I was full on soaked now. And barefoot, since my Chuck Taylors had long since slipped off and floated away.

I sat there, still as stone, pondering over the one question that I just couldn't let go. Or figure out. The one question that I was probably die with, left unanswered for another century and a half. Until, of course, the end came, or whatever.

Why?

Water rushed up towards me, engulfing me in the taste of salt as I lost my balance, and sank down with the sand. Finally I saw it. A huge tidal wave, the ones my brother Dopey would've died to ride on his surfboard, if you get my drift.

The one that would most likely swallow me up into the sea. I didn't even react to it coming. It was like my entire body was numb.

It hit me hard and carried me down, my hands unable to grasp the sand, as I sank into the ocean. I opened my mouth to scream, but it filled with the taste of saltwater. That was it. Now I would never know my answer.

'Goodbye… Jesse.'

----

(Jesse) (A/n: Happy, Alice? Now you know EXACTLY who's POV it is. God...the things I do for you. P.S.: I like books. Lots and lots of books. And money, too, to buy them. Just a little hint for my birthday...hunny.)

I materialized into Father Dominic's office. He looked very surprised to see me. "Jesse," he said, "what brings you here? Have you talked to Susannah?"

I swallowed. Just hearing the name on his lips was enough to send another invisible blow towards my stomach. "Padre, I have. She told me… that she loved me."

For a moment, just as I said those words, I thought he was about to fall out of his chair. But he didn't. He caught himself just in time. "Jesse… don't tell me you said you loved her back… you know it can never work out."

That I knew all too well.

"Father, relax. I rejected her. I ran away like a coward. I broke her heart." He seemed surprised by my bitterness on the subject, because he looked up at me and said, "Oh, Jesse… I'm very sorry. But you did the right thing."

I stared at him. I could not help feeling angry. "Did I? Padre, I have hurt her worse than before. She ran to the beach, she cried for hours. I could not take it anymore. I cannot see the woman I love cry over me like that." (A/n: that does sound like Jesse huh? I am very proud. It took me awhile to get into his lingo)

He did not reply. Was there anything to say? I steadied my resolve. "Father Dominic, I wish for you to exorcise me."

This time he really did fall out of his chair. "Jesse, I understand your pain… but surely, we could do this the natural way." He got up and straightened his robe. "Perhaps now we can work on why you are still here. Now… tell me…. before you died was there any---"

I could not control it anymore. The furniture started shaking. I was committing a great sin, yelling at a priest. "Don't you understand Padre??? She IS the reason I am staying here!! I will NEVER be able to move on until she does! I cannot take it anymore. She already has so many admirers. First that _bastardo _Slater, and now this new boy… yesterday…." My voice sunk into a whisper. "she was kissing this young man. He was trying to make love to her!" (A/n: lolx. corniness to the extreme, but that was what good 'ol Jeremy was trying wasn't it?)

I sank to the ground, covering my face. It was true. Susannah had resisted, but it was true. I couldn't take it anymore. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of my outburst. I got up, trying to apologize. The father looked too shocked for words. "I am sorry Padre, I am ashamed of myself. Please, you must understand. I love her. She deserves a better life than this. Please exor---"

And then I heard it.

Susannah was in trouble. Her voice rang out, clear as a bell, in my head. "Father, I must go, she's in trouble." And I left.

I heard it again. 'Goodbye...Jesse.'

All of a sudden I knew what she had done.

I only hoped I was not too late.

* * *

Dudes...she's like, dead. 

lOl. jk. You would kill me if that happened, wouldn't you?

No, don't worry. I wouldn't go THAT far to make this story interesting, I mean, if I did, where would the sequel be?

Exactly.

Oh, and speaking of which, I posted a little excerpt to it in my profile, if anyone's interested. I didn't want to like, you know, post it here, for fear that it would totally ruin the plot for those of you who didn't read the first draft of this story.

And speaking of drafts, read ROUGH DRAFT, which is expected to be posted next week, dedicated to my dear MEDiATOR BUDDiES, Angela and Christina.

Well, that's it. I'm sorry. I was in such a hurry with this chapter, I'm afraid I might've blotched the whole thing.

Aiy. School is starting, and I'm far from done with my math homework.

Alice, if you're reading this, can you help me with the word problems for A1?? I really need it.

Twilight is coming out in two days. I already own it. (Hahaha. I'm sorry.) Go to your local Borders. I'm sure they'll have it. Unless it's sold out. Which it might be. lOl. Oh wow, I'm horrible.

Happy reading, and Happy Twilight.

"WE WISH YOU A MERRY TWILIGHT

WE WISH YOU A MERRY TWILIGHT

WE WISH YOU A MERRY TWILIGHT

& A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

GOOD TIDINGS TO YOU,

TO JESSE & SUZE,

GOOD TIDINGS TO TWILIGHT

& A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

----

And now...I have to go shopping.

Because it's after Christmas, and I need a tote bag.

Loveness,

**JESSiE xD **

P.S. Chapter 10 is called "Reverie."

I really like the titles I'm coming up with it.


	10. Reverie

How do you go from quitting ballet, to taking private lessons, to signing up for a competition in March?

I'm pathetic.

* * *

Chapter ten: Reverie (A/n: You'll notice that I'm not using bold anymore. I think I like underlining much better.)

(Suze)

_I found myself in a long, narrow hallway, overflowing with damp mist. Fog spiraled around my ankles as I took my first steps, accidentally brushing a hand against one of the identical green doors on either side of the walls that—coupled with the sudden blast of wind that hit my shoulders—led me to a final conclusion about my whereabouts:_

_...Shadowland._

_And this time, I was all alone._

_Which could only mean one thing. That was it. I was dead._

_Dead, gone, dissipated. I had squandered the rest of my life away, before it had even got interesting. And here I was—sixteen years of pain and sorrow, sixteen years of a total waste, total failure—completely abandoned, left alone, standing at this door._

_I looked at it. Really looked at it...wondering what it was that the green-colored threshold had in store for me. The wood was smooth, almost perfect, no chips, no flaws. Maybe that's what scared me. It was so eerie...unnatural._

_Perhaps beyond this door lay my true path to eternal happiness? Some strange world where maybe all my prayers would have been answered? Where Susannah Simon would be a normal, rich, unnaturally pretty girl with a boyfriend who wanted her and loved her?_

_Maybe. Who knew what lay ahead of me, but whatever it was, I concluded, had to be better than this. Better than standing here in this hallway until the end of time. Or at least, until Paul found me, since it was apparent he routinely took a little night-time stroll through this creepy place. What that guy's problem is, I'll never know. And believe me, I don't _want_ to._

_My hands trembling, I reached out and grabbed the door knob. Taking a deep breath, I prepared to turn it, blinking away at the tears in my eyes. That is, until a familiar voice stopped me._

_"Susannah."_

_I turned around. There was Jesse, standing before me, and eyeing the doorway with a mysterious look on his face._

_"Jesse." I breathed. There was nothing else I could say. Oh, don't worry, I had plenty of sentences going on in my head; _What are you doing here? _was one, followed by,_ Are you moving on too?_ and then there was the final question, the one I had been wanting to ask him, down at that beach..._Why?

_Because that was why, or so I thought, the reason Jesse was now up here, in Heaven-or hell-'s waiting room. To tell me why. To explain to me before I left._

_At least until he reached out—just like the last time we were here—and laid a hand on my shoulders. Even though I was dead—and obviously, he was too—I could feel the heat of his fingers scotching through me._

_I didn't talk. Didn't breathe. Just stared, back into those dark irises. His look was so intense, it scared me, and I could hardly bring myself to answer the question his eyes were asking as they urgently racked my soul._

_Which was,_ Are you done yet? Are you really going to let this be the end? Are you absolutely sure it's over?

_And my answer was no. Contrary to what I had decided, just a few moments before he had gotten here, I had realized, staring up into those soft charcoal eyes of his, I wasn't._

_Not in the least. That's what I told him. "No."_

_And even though it was raspy, it was evident in my voice that I had made sure my decision. "No, Jesse." I whispered, "I'm not."_

_He nodded, and, for the first time since that day in the graveyard,( the one before, after he beat up Paul) smiled. A smile that brought a warming sensation in my stomach. A smile that lit up my heart._

_Right up until I noticed that Jesse was slowly slipping away from me. His ghostly figure disappearing from view. Fading, into the nothing that this hallway contained._

_He was leaving. _

_"No." I croaked. This wasn't it. I couldn't go on, not without him. "No."_

_But soon he was gone, dematerialized with that smile on his face, his features a slow blur, his hands so suddenly cold.. "No," I called out. "No!"_

_I was falling. _

_Falling, sinking down into crushing black oblivion as the floor beneath me, crumbled. "No!" _

_I was screaming. _

_"No!"_

_...no._

_And I was gone, as well._

_-42- (No particular reason, I just like the number, and the stupid system won't let me space anymore.)_

"Susannah." Someone was shaking me. Pulling on my shoulder, not letting me grieve, not letting me go.

"No." I whispered, trying to shake off that hand on my shoulder. "He's gone. No."

"Susannah."

"No," I croaked, "just let me go. Leave me alone. He's gone."

"Susannah, get up. Susannah."

I opened my eyes. I don't know what I expected to see. Maybe some big pearly gates, surrounded by clouds, or something. Maybe a bunch of fiery flames, and a guy with a pitchfork and a red jumpsuit. Or whatever.

All I know is, I certainly wasn't expecting to see Jesse's face looming above mine. In what appeared to be a hospital room, no less.

"Whoa," I gasped, and tried, unsuccessfully, to get up. But Jesse wouldn't let me. He placed a hand on my shoulders, and pushed me-gently-back down on the bed. "Shhh...Susannah. Your ribs are still weak."

I looked at him. And felt a twinge of tears in my eyes as he smiled down at me. He was here. My Jesse. He wasn't gone at all.

That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. Tears that mirrored my own, but I'm sure were not from happiness. They weren't grateful. Not like mine.

"Jesse..."I whispered, "Jesse, wha-what happened?"

All he did was look at me. If I had thought it hard to read his expression before, well, let's just say that now it was just about impossible.

I couldn't read anything. Not a tinge of emotion. They were hard, his eyes, though still filled with tears.

"You almost drowned, Susannah." His voice, I noticed, was not as hard as his facial features. It was so croaky and rusty. Like he hadn't spoken a word since I was gone. Which, I supposed would make sense. Me, being the only one who could see him, and all. Well, besides Father Dominic.

"Oh." I said.

He nodded slowly, his face a steely mask. There was a veil dropped over those charcoal eyes of his, one that fell right back in place after each gesture he made, leaving me totally in the dark about what he was feeling, no matter how hard I'd tried to brush that veil away.

Maybe that's why I stopped feeling so grateful. What was the point of being here, being with Jesse, if he wasn't going to talk to me, anymore? At least, not in his normal tone of voice.

I rolled over on the hospital bed, and wouldn't look at him.

So that was it, huh?

No 'I missed you, Susannah,' or a 'Thank God you're alive...' even a freaking '_querida_' would've done fine for me right about then.

But he didn't say anything...

Which was fine. More than fine. I don't need him.

Much.

At least, that was what I thought-lying on that hospital bed, my back turned to Jesse, wondering why it was I could've been so stupid to fall in love with a guy who so obviously hated me, who, as far as I could tell, didn't even give a damn-until he put a hand on my shoulder, and turned me to face him. His fingers were warm through the sleeve of my hospital robe. And again I was falling, just like I did each time I looked into those dark eyes of his, speckled with tiny stars, like celestial orbs of space. The veil had been lifted. Thank God.

"Why are you like this, Susannah?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't, not when he was looking at me the way he was just then, pulling me closer and closer to that radiating heat of his-heat that, I'm quite positive sometimes, I wasn't just imagining-as his gaze raked my face.

My throat closed up unexpectedly, and there was nothing I could do—especially since he was tilting my face up towards his—but stare back, the blush already creeping into my face, from that intense gaze.

"_Querida_." He murmured. Just the word...but like always it brought for a reaction somewhere deep inside me that caused me to melt.

Right there on the spot, into a big sticky puddle of hospital-bed goo.

So was it really any wonder why I did what I did next? When I leaned forward, bringing me into an even closer view of those eyes, of that perfectly sculpted face... and kissed him, hard on the lips?

No. It wouldn't have been at all.

And it might've actually happened, has Jesse not turned away, pulling my arms from around his neck and holding my hands in a grip of iron. "Susannah." He said, sounding a little strangled. "_Querida..._don't do this."

_Don't do this._

I didn't have to ask him what 'this' meant. I knew. All of a sudden I understood, all too well. And that's when I decided it had to be over. Whatever game Jesse was playing, it had to end now.

I wrenched my hands from his grasp. "Get out."

He turned his eyes upon mine once again, his gaze incredulous. "Susannah, what are you-"

"You heard me," I said, as cool, as collected as I possibly could. "get out."

"Susannah, I-I'm-sorry-but I-"

"Get out. Get out. Get OUT!"

But Jesse didn't get out, much to my dismay. He didn't move an inch. Just stood there looking at me, with that inscrutable expression as I sat there, clutching the sheets on that bed, looking at everything _but_ him.

A few moments passed, us awkwardly remaining in our chosen positions, until finally Jessed sighed resignedly and sat down on the bed next to me.

And moved over, just an inch, so that his face was close to mine.

_Very _close. I could feel his warm gentle breath, tickling my ear. And sometimes, when his body is in such a close proximity of mine. Well, let's just say that it's easy to forget that that breath I'm feeling is completely within the boundaries of my imagination. That that breathing _isn't real._

Oh, but the feeling was... the one that followed, I mean. The inexplicable feeling within me that brought butterflies to my stomach, and a blush to my cheeks.

And I was still recovering from that experience, when Jesse tilted my face up towards his, taking my chin in his thumb and index fingers, and just boring into me with those eyes.

Then I was forced to look down. Because no girl could stand looking into eyes like Jesse's without feeling utterly, and completely lost.

And I couldn't afford to do that again, because I knew, this time, that as soon as I had found that feeling, I would _never_ be able to let go.

"Querida," he gasped, "I-"

I looked up at him, sharply. His gaze into my own was so intense, that as of that moment I couldn't look away.

"I-" Jesse ran a hand through his hair, his lips parted to say whatever it was he was planning to tell me that moment. But I didn't care. I didn't want to listen. All that mattered to me was to be placing a finger against those lips, looking up at him, stroking the side of his face... Making a mental note to myself of his every facial feature. Memorizing those eyes, the line of his nose, the bumps on that scar...

And then I bringing his face forward, for one last, gentle kiss...

But before our lips could meet, I hear the shrill whisper of a voice behind me.

I turned my head, so abruptly, that I felt my hair swish in Jesse's face. It was my mother.

"Suzie!" she exclaimed. She also had tears in her eyes. But aside from the tousled hair and thinner figure, her facial features looked fine. Just the same. She hadn't changed. Not like Jesse.

"Oh, Thank the Lord! Suzie… we thought we'd lost you… you were in a coma for two weeks!" So _that's_ why Jesse was looking so forlorn today... I was in a coma for _two weeks!_ There was no one at home to feed Spike! (A/N: Suze is so naive, huh?)

"Suzie… oh my gosh!" my mother was still crying. Everyone else burst in, Andy, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc. Then CeeCee and Adam. "Suzie…" her expression then hardened. "What in heavens were you doing? Gallivanting around the beach on a day as cold as that one? Thank heavens David found you! It's a miracle you hadn't floated away to China!"

I tried to smile, "umm… well, I really wanted to go to the beach… and then… there was this big wave… and then…" but before I could finish, my mom hugged me again. It was clear to me that none of that really mattered to her. She just asked for the sake of asking, it was what a mother was supposed to do. "Oh, Suzie…"

Oh, _God_.

I looked over my shoulder to signal to Jesse and apology for our interruption, some sign to let him know that we would talk later, but he was gone.

Surprise, surprise.

And there wasn't anything I could do about it, I couldn't very well run off to look for him-wherever he went-not while my mother was hugging me this tight, stroking my hair, and whispering, "Oh thank God.." in this freaky voice.

I basically received the same thing from everyone else, except you know, not so hysterical-thank goodness, since it looked like Adam was having a hard time not cracking up-and then my family left so I could talk to him and CeeCee.

Though I found it exceedingly difficult, since they kept giggling.

And of course, it wasn't until I was nearly driven insane by this unusual behavior, that I finally took a good look at the two people before me.

The first thing I noticed was that they were holding hands. "Guys…" I said. "what's going on? Are you two…" I took it from the smile on CeeCee's face and the way Adam was blushing that they had finally gotten together.

It's great that they can use my comatose state as a way to hook up. Then again, CeeCee's liked him forever, so really… its about time. I said this to them, and Adam blushed again. The happy couple.

"Anyways…" said CeeCee, eager to take the attention off them, " we were all worried about you…" I stopped her. " 'We?' whose 'we'?"

She smiled. "The junior class of the Mission Academy." Whoa. Okay. "anyways… " she continued, "we were all worried, so we made you a card, and Kelly's decided that upon your waking, we would have a camp-out on the beach like you suggested last year, you know—with the bonfire and everythingas long as you stay far away from the waves," she added, seeing the look on my face. Ironic, that as soon as I recovered from near drowning, I would be welcomed back to the beach.

It was when I was thinking about this that I noticed the entire gift shop piled up in the hospital room. Seriously, there was hardly room to walk. Most of the stuff, I expected were from my mom. I pointed this out to CeeCee and Adam, who gladly showed me which gift was from whom.

"Okay… THIS" CeeCee pointed to the giant purple teddy bear, "is from me."

"Adam sent you those." She pointed out the bouquet of pink roses.

"umm… Kelly and Debbie sent you these…" she gave me the boxes of Hershey's chocolate. I set them down on the bedside table.

"And these…" Adam said, pointing to what looked like half the flower shop, "are from Paul Slater and Jeremy Curtis." I gasped. There were a dozen bouquets of roses, all ruby red with droplets of water still stuck to the petals. They were beautiful. If only, I thought, they were from someone else other than Paul Slater. Jeremy wasn't exactly in my good book either, considering how fast he had tried to seduce me.

"Yeah." Said CeeCee, "pretty nice huh?"

"Umm… yeah…" I blushed. "I guess. Actually… I don't really want them… do you guys want to take them home?"

Adam looked psyched. But CeeCee nudged him with her elbow. "Suze…" she said, looking at me worriedly, "what happened? I thought you and Jeremy were getting 'close'."

I looked down at the white bed sheet. I didn't know what to say. What, that I hated Paul for what he tried to do to me and Jesse, and that Jeremy pretty much had the same idea? Instead I just looked at the floor for a while, until the nurse came in and told them visiting hours were over, and that I should get some rest. CeeCee gave me a look that said, 'you'll explain later right?' and handed me a giant card.

I put the card down on top of the night table, and eventually fell asleep.

_-42-_

(Jesse)

She was sleeping peacefully when I left the note. Gingerly I stepped around the various assortments of cards, gifts and balloons her friends had sent in her hopes of helping to hasten her recovery. It took me awhile. There were quite a lot. Finally, I reached a bare spot on the wooden floor, just large enough for me to stand while gazing upon her sleeping form. Placing the card onto the mahogany table, I set down some fresh-picked flowers, and arranged it so that they were horizontal to the giant card her friends had sent her.

Taking a moment to marvel at her beauty, I trace my fingertips along the line of her forehead. The crease smoothes, and I am shocked at the feeling brought from my fingers against her skin. She looked so serene. Her dark brown flowed wildly across the pillow like some kind of halo. Her dark lashes closed atop emerald irises. An angel.

Quietly I bent down, playing with a single strand of hair. A single highlight. But it doesn't seem like enough. That's when I realized that I needed to leave.

I bent down and kissed her cheek. "I love you too, _querida_."

The wordswere spoken softly, a gentle whisper, as if it were some kind of spell that could easily be broken by loud voices, or common knowledge. It was our secret. _I love you_.

So I said it, my lips brushing against her ear, and I saw the faintest of smiles spreading across her ruby lips. Almost imperceptible, but still there.

Perhaps that was what drove me to kneel down towards her on the bed, carefully steadying myself, and lean over for one gentle kiss.

One kiss, to last me for all eternity. The last goodbye.

But it was not gentle enough.

She stirred and stared at me with her beautiful green eyes. Wide, innocent.

"Jesse, what the hell are you doing?"

* * *

Yeah. It wasn't that great, there are some parts I didn't edit—during the summer I had suffered this strange disillusionment of making Suze real popular...so yeah. I'm sorry if that's a bit out of character. I'm also sorry if some parts are badly written. I have like, a lot going on this week with school, and my piano recital, ballet, so I was a bit too lazy to edit some parts.

Chapter one of Homecoming is up on my livejournal. (Click on the 'homepage' link in my profile.) Don't look, if you want to wait and see how this story ends, because Homecoming is the sequel.

P.S. You have to go to the 'Jan. 1st' entry. Check the calendar.

P.P.S. Review first.


	11. In the End

So I guess I'm updating this real fast. I mean, usually it takes me a whole month, just to sit down and edit something. I don't know why, I just hate editing, I guess.

Anyway, I really wanted to get this up before the piano recital. (Which is today, along with my ballet solo-thing.) Get it out of my system, so I could start working on Rough Draft again. Though I think I might rewrite some parts in chapter one. It just bugs me, I don't know why.

* * *

Chapter eleven: In the End. 

It was over, I soon realized, a lot faster than it had begun.

You know that feeling you get, before you're about to take a test you haven't studied for? When you're about to run the mile in P.E.—this was a weekly thing back in Brooklyn—or when you've got an upcoming audition for the school play?

Yeah. That feeling. The one that comes gurgling up, rising from inside of you, almost like acid as it clenches your heart, making you squirm.

That feeling. The one that keeps you up at three 0' clock in the morning, fumbling nervously over your Trigonometry notes as you read, for the fortieth time, the outline of the text.

The one that doesn't go away, not until it's over, not until you've completely destroyed what was left of your G.P.A., the dread and foreboding of it creeping closer and closer, every single day.

That feeling. The one we all hate.

I was trying to stay asleep when I heard Jesse materialize. I don't know how it was that I could sense this—Mediators couldn't trace auras, as Paul had already explained—but I kept quiet, shutting my eyes, so he wouldn't know I was awake. I couldn't look at him. Not like this. The awkwardness of it all was just too much to swallow down.

Instead I lay flat on my back, my fingers clenching into the cotton bed sheets as I tried to control my breathing. And I waited.

But he was still there. I couldn't hear him. I could sense him.

When he didn't dematerialize-and it was well around twenty minutes or so, already-I snuck a peek. He wore a very solemn expression, lips tight and firm as he placed a piece of paper and some wild flowers on top of the giant card. As usual, I couldn't read his expression. Still, it was hard not to smile.

_Jesse got me flowers. _

I lay there, grinning like an idiot in the dark as I peered up at his ghostly form. Beautiful, perfect...iridescent. Just the curvature of his face, the gentle outline of his forearms, sent shivers down my spine. It was as I was admiring those forearms as I saw him come towards me. I quickly shut my eyes.

As far as anyone was concerned, I was just sleeping. No one had seen me. No one had to know. If I tried, I believed, resolutely to put him out of my mind, I was sure—positive, even—that I could get over Jesse.

At least, until I felt him kiss my cheek. I nearly bolted off the bed from that. My heartbeat-which a couple seconds ago-had been smooth and calm was now speeding up, until I could hear it, thundering against my chest, making it somewhat difficult to breathe.

There was something in that kiss, albeit the side of my face, that had never been there before.

I think I sort of understood what that was, as I felt him breathe to me, just a few simple words. "I love you too, _querida_." And that was all. I was a goner.

People, I knew, said this everyday. Someone out there, at that very moment was saying it to his or her special someone, most likely in a foreign country somewhere. Those three simple words—I doubt that everyone said _querida _at the end of their sentences—were given to us at birth. Either by the first time we heard out parents utter it to each other, or the first time a grandparent murmured them to you.

My mother had told me she loved me before. She said it to me; she said it to my dad. She said it to Andy on the day of their wedding ceremony.

So why was it, that this time, these few seconds felt more sacred to me, than any other? All of a sudden I was filled with an immense gratitude, towards God-though, I'm not religious-and mankind, for bringing this sort of moment upon me. For letting me experience one of the happiest-I'm sure of it-moments of my life.

There was no way, I decided, that I could let him go now. Not after this.

It was just-God, the way he said it! As if it were a spell, easily broken. As if those words were meant for me, and me alone... not for his mother, his father, his sisters, or Maria de Silva, but me. As if he had been waiting, all this time.

And I sort of had the same feeling, just as I felt his bring a kiss to my lips. Soft, gentle, but enough to send me swooning.

Only... it didn't make sense. I mean, I had imagined this moment, played it, over and over in my head, in my dreams, but that wasn't how it was supposed to happen, how it was supposed to be.

We were either on Big Sur, after an incredibly steamy make-up session, or up on the roof, just lying there, gazing up at the stars, a warm blanket beneath us, Jesse's hand in mine.

Not like this, not while I was lying on a hospital bed, in the middle of the night. And certainly, not while he thought I was asleep.

I opened my eyes. He saw me. I'm sure. "Jesse," I said, "what the hell are you doing?"

I knew, of course, moments later, that I should have left well enough alone. From the looks of it, Jesse had just experienced a mild heart attack. His eyes were like practically falling out of his sockets as he stared down at me, a total look of disbelief upon his face. It was the funniest thing to watch. But obviously he didn't think so, because as I started laughing, he turned beet red, and started to dematerialize.

Still chuckling, I reached out...and caught his sleeve. I've been getting real good at that lately.

He blushed furiously, and said, "Susannah! Ha-hah. Ho-how long …were you… awake?"

I smiled, coyly. "Long enough." I murmured. Jesse looked like he wanted to die. Too late for that.

"So…" I said, and this time I was completely serious, because I needed to know, once and for all, what he felt about me. It was yes or no. There was no in between. If Jesse couldn't say it to my face, then he couldn't truly love me.

" 'You love me too?' "

He turned even redder than before. "Err…I…I. what I meant was… I…uh…I—" he started, but then, as if thinking better of it, he promptly disappeared.

Which, right then, was just about okay. I was willing to wait, I decided, until he came around. Which he would, most indefinitely, tonight had been full proof of that.

Only, I didn't know what he was planning, knew no reasons why.

My mind was still filled with those three little words. He had said that he loved me. And he meant it.

Right?

42-

(Jeremy)

Okay. So I made a deal with Paul. Nothing big, okay? It was completely within the immoral boundaries of the law. And it still obeyed at least three commandments.

I just couldn't help it. I mean, I wanted Suze. And I was willing to do anything to get her. And if that meant hanging out with a dumb jock like Slater, that was fine with me.

As long as he stuck to the plan.

42-

(Suze)

"Okay… is that the last of your stuff?" My mother was holding what looked an entire camping set for a family of four. Actually, it was just bags of the several gifts I received when I was in the coma. Yep, like I said, several.

I looked around. The hospital room looked empty now that all my stuff was gone. The room was painted taupe, with a window seat very similar to mine, looking out on a view of the bay, not unlike the one in my bedroom. Right then the shutters were wide open-further proof that someone had not deigned us with a visit last night-the gentle mist from the bay carried into the room by the afternoon breeze.

I shivered. Something felt so cold.

CeeCee had been over to visit, quite a lot that week, asking all sorts of questions about the interior design of this particular room. Did I remember the part in Ocean's Eleven, when they asked why hallways were always painted taupe? When I had simply shrugged, bewildered by theabruptness of her cheerful behavior, she had gone to explain to me, very patiently-now you know she wasn't acting like herself-that Brad Pitt had said taupe was very soothing.

Huh, I told her. They were not wrong.

But, whatever the color of the wall, my stay at the Carmel Hospital had not been too pleasant. Frankly, it was quite dull. I got a lot of visitors, most of the Junior class stopped by to you know, express their heartfelt get-wells and blah blah blah…. Adam had stopped by everyday, but most of the time it resulted in my falling asleep as he and Cee made out.

And Paul and Jeremy came too, which wasn't all that great. They had, in the time of my absence, become extremely chummy with each other. Jer, anxious to follow up on Paul's haughty arrogance, had actually tried-shocking, I know-to grab my ass!

And since I was in I was in no state of health to beat either one of them up, I could only slap his hand, and scream for my mother, who was very disgruntled-I did this way too often-to get them out.

But that wasn't why my stay wasn't very accommodating. It was because of Jesse. (_Of course.)_ He hadn't shown up since the night when I first woke up, and I was more than slightly peeved at him for disappearing on me. Somewhere in the back of my head, I was beginning to doubt those words uttered so late that night. Maybe I wasn't the right girl for him... or maybe he wasn't the right guy for me.

But I tried not to think about something like that. There was a reason for his standoffishness, and it wasn't that he didn't love me. I mean, he wouldn't have said it, otherwise.

Instead, I tried to think of it as a little game we played. The constant on-offness, I mean. As if this was justJesse's way of surprising me, when he was ready, finally, to admit his true feelings for me.

And I waited patiently, ready to fake it, to pretend to be surprised in the end.

The thing was, I didn't know how close we were to it.

"Yeah, Mom, I think that's it," I said with a sigh. I had thrown away basically all the flowers Paul and Jeremy sent me, much to my mother's chagrin. She had been so impressed, so pleased, that her little girl had so many admirers. I bet she wanted me at that beach all over again. Just to get a few more boxes of See's peanut brittle.

All that I kept were Jesse's wildflowers, though they had pretty much rotted after the first few days, attracting all kinds of bugs. My mother, disgusted by their irresistibility to all wildlife—and the fact that they had not cost at least five ninety-nine, had thrown them away. Along with—though she was a bit hesitant about those—Adam's roses, which had already started to wilt. Still, there were plenty of chocolate boxes to be eaten, and tons of teddy bears to take home. CeeCee's, of course, was the biggest.

"Suze, what about that one?" she pointed to a tiny envelope that had fallen on the floor near the bed in which I had been occupied for a week. Three, actually, if you count the coma.

"Oh, oops." I bent down to pick it up, feeling a slight pull of my spine.

It was addressed to me; 'Susannah.' The writing was fancy, very old calligraphy, the curves of each letter slanted perfectly, written with the utmost of care. Someone had taken a lot of time to write this letter.

Perhaps for more reasons than one.

Realization came flooding over me, like a sudden shower amidst a warm, summer's day.

And there you had it. _Game over._

* * *

Free cookie to all who review me. To receive your cookie, call Ching-ching at 2346 20th Ave. If she doesn't answer, feel free to take an ax and chop down the front door. 

No, don't worry. She prefers it that way.

(Totally kidding. That is NOT Ching's address. Don't go chopping anyone's doors down. I am not willing to get sued. I am willing, however, to accept your bountiful supply of reviews. _Ciao amici, sta sera_.)

P.S. So I've written two versions of the last chapter already, but I'm not sure what to post (well, actually I am) so I'd like to ask you, in a little survey.

Which do you prefer; the happy chapter where everything is wonderful, and theres a cheesy, totally messed up ending, or the sad chapter, where everyone cries, and you wonder about the injustice of it all-BUT there is a better ending later on, and there is a sequel?

Which will it be, happy or sad with sequel?

I'll leave you guys to think.


	12. Does It Hurt?

To Lia. The Underappreciated Mediator Buddy.

But that's alright, I guess. We'll always have Italian.

* * *

Chapter twelve: Does it hurt? 

I never understood, really, why people would ask that. As if they didn't know.

I mean, the pure logic of the situation is clearly presented. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out the facts. So I really didn't get it, when people kept saying stuff like that to me.

_Does it hurt?_

_Are you in pain?_

_Gosh, it must've been terrible for you!_

Acting like they didn't know the obvious. Trying to show me their sympathy.

I don't need it. I never did.

It's pathetic, really, the way one person, can just rip up your heart.

And not just the way they do it, but they way they _keep_ doing it. As if they didn't know. As if it's not enough.

Up until this week, I didn't even know I _had _that much heart to play around with. Enough to keep this charade going, all the way up until the end. That's what this is, I guess. The end. The finale of my not-so-happy ending.

I think you get the point now. So you'd probably like me to stop talking in high school trauma mode.

But the thing is... I can't stop.

This is it, now. All that's left of my life. I'm going to be an old spinster lady who annoys her neighbors, talking about her first love. Her first heartbreak, her first breakup, the day that blood froze in her veins.

Did he really think that this would be better for me? To end up like this?

And...oh God. The letter.

It was the most horrible letter I had ever received, the kind that you want to rip into a thousand pieces and burn. And then, if burning wasn't enough, to toss the ashes into the ocean and watch them scatter on the wind.

Only I couldn't. Because it would be the only piece of him I had left. Jesse, I mean. The letter was from Jesse.

He was leaving.

I can't remember exactly why.

Something to do with that fact that we, as so eloquently he put it, 'just aren't meant to be', because he was dead and 'you, Susannah, are very much alive.' Because he couldn't give me 'what you deserve,' because he couldn't 'make you happy', and was 'someone who does not have the courage to try.' But most of all, because...we were a mistake.

Okay, so that's not what he really said. I think his whole speech was rather complicated. It's difficult to make out the exact meaning, but the basic gist of it's there.

I can't even read it all, after all that crying, but... I know what he meant. I didn't need some formal letter to break it to me, a couple pieces of paper, fancy calligraphy.

I could tell exactly what it was, as soon my eyes skid over those last few words. 'Goodbye.'

Goodbye.

He was saying _goodbye_.

I think that's when I should've broken down. I mean, I've read enough sappy novels to know what the expected reaction is, from something like this. The heroine always faints, always gasps, always...cries.

But the thing about those novels—especially the sappy ones by Susan Anderson—well, those weren't real. Were they?

Because in real life, the person you loved wouldn't just leave you, abandon you on what some might call your death bed—though to be fair, I had had a full recovery—or toss you aside like an Old Navy tote, just as soon as they found their Burberry.

In real life, the guy you fell for wouldn't just kiss you and run, leaving behind some sappy goodbye letter, expressing their good wishes and asking you to 'feel better.'

Because in _real life—_well, these things just don't happen, do they?

Or maybe they do. I wouldn't really know.

I suppose it was at this point that I suddenly became rather infuriated. Or just, in a manner of speaking, pissed off.

It just—wasn't _fair_.

'Cause those tears that were trailing down my cheeks? Well, they weren't real tears. And that sob that I had emitted was far from expressing my feelings.

Because right then at that moment, all I felt was confused.

And the only thing, really, that I could bring myself to think of was how he'd said it, the last time I saw him. And that stupid look in his eyes as he did. _Querida...don't do this."_

So what was _he _doing now?

"Suze?" My mom's voice rang clear in the background, rousing me out ofthe tranceIhad fallen intoand back to crisp reality. I had forgotten that there was anyone else in the room.

I looked up. She wore what looked like a worried expression, though it was hard to tell...I couldn't see through the layer of tears that had dried over my face. My eyelashes felt sticky.

God, I was such a mess.

"Honey?" She whispered. "Suzie, you look—you look so pale."

I couldn't hold it. Not anymore. Maybe I could've if it had been a different time. Maybe if it had been Tuesday, or my birthday or something. Maybe if all the events in this past week hadn't been already so mind-blowing, so stressful, so difficult to handle.

Maybe I could've faked it.

"Excuse me," I murmured, as I ran out of the room

42-

He found me in the hallway of the ladies' room, left cheek pressed resolutely to the floor.

I hadn't even gotten to the door before I shattered.

That's the thing about love these days. You can never freaking tell.

Unsure of the time, and just how long I had been lying there, tears streaming freely down my face, I strained my neck to look at the clock.

It was 5:30. I sniffed.

My mom must've gotten extremely worried if she sent Father Dom in to see me. Though it was really quite sensible. I guess she must've noticed somehow, that the father and I had some strange unspoken bond other than the usual, of student and principal.

Father D. came in, took one look at me, my right pressed flat against the cold tile floor, my left hand clutching the note, and muttered, "Oh, dear."

Not wanting to disappoint him, I got up, calmed my tears and hiccups, straightened my new lilac corduroy jacket, and asked in a firm and steady voice, "So, when's the exorcism?"

The good Father wasn't fooled. Instead he said, with a pitying look, "Susannah, it's his choice, you must let him go."

I glared at him, sort of pissed. He was ruining my brave façade, before I had even chance to finish it. "Oh, I know, I just want to say good bye before then," I hardened my voice, "you will let me won't you?"

I don't know what I was thinking, threatening a priest.

The look of pity deepened. "Susannah-"

I gave him my best puppy eyes—the ones I hadn't attempted since third grade. "Please, Father, I just want to say good bye. I won't use my 'sexual wiles to influence his decision.' " I muttered, making little quotation marks in the air.

"Tomorrow night, in the rectory." He said, his voice was rather contrite, even though I was sure that some of this was his decision. "And I advise you not to go looking for him, Susannah."

I nodded, feeling suddenly feverish. An eerie feeling had overtaken me, and I could focus only on the tiny goose-bumps on my shoulders.

_Tomorrow night, in the rectory. _

I got up slowly, my head pounding, and shuffled slowly down the narrow corridor back to my room, not daring to look Father Dominic in the eye.

Itwas empty as I entered it, my already-packed bags still lined up at the door. I sat up on the hospital bed, seemingly unaware of my surroundings. It wasn't until I heard the door fall shut that I again started to cry.

I was, I realized, turning into a mess, dripping acid tears. Breathing harshly, I felt my hand reach up to my chest, where I was sure to find a heart that beat.

It did of course. So hard that it hurt.

* * *

Two updates. In ONE week. 

Wow, I'm on some kind of fanfic frenzy!

_TU NON CAPISCi. _

_MA LiA E JESSE CAPiAMO MOLTO!_

HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Okay. I'm back to my outline.


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